My wife's cooking is so bad that we pray after we eat.

WIFE: The 2 things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.

HUSBAND: Which is this?

My family eats from the 3 basic food groups; canned, frozen and take-out.

WIFE: "You look tired, honey. How about a nice steak, mashed potatoes and an apple pie for dessert?"

HUSBAND: "No thanks. I'm too tired. Let's just eat home."

Q: How can you tell if your mother-in-law is a good cook?

1. If the pop-tart stays in one piece.

A THOUGHT: A woman who dresses to kill probably cooks the same.

NEWLYWED: Do you want dinner?
SPOUSE: Sure, what are my choices?
NEWLYWED: Yes and no.

The dotty old man asked his dotty old wife to make him a hot fudge sundae. She went to the kitchen and returned with a plate of scrambled eggs. He got really upset. "Where's the bacon?!"

Q: Why did the raisin go out with the prune?

1. Because he couldn't find a date.

DIET DEFINITIONS: The word 'stressed' makes perfect sense when you realize it is 'desserts' spelled backwards.

Q: What what can you make from baked beans and onions?

1. Tear gas.

Did you hear about the cannibal who had a wife and eight kids?

ADAM TO EVE BEFORE THE GUESTS ARRIVE: Honey, did you put my pants in the salad again?

The honeymoon is over when the husband calls home to say he'll be late for dinner and the answering machine says it is in the microwave.