BUSH LEGAL TEAM SUES SANTA CLAUS 
By S. Artist 
Reuters 

AUSTIN, Tx (Dec. 4) - Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed 
suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making 
his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate 
injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the 
court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of 
good boys and girls one additional time before packing his sleigh. 

The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a 
federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive 
and duplicative list-checking activity, and certify the original list as 
submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary 
modification." 

"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. 
It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to 
check? This checking, checking, and re-checking over and over again must 
stop now," said former Secretary James Baker. 

Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf 
removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list, filing them under 
'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats." 

Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted 
what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole." 

"Their security is really awful, really bad," said Bush. "My mother just 
walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or 
nothing." 

Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea 
to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, 
and 
quit checking your list. The children of the world have had enough. They 
demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already 
selected a name for the pony she's asked for. 

The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development 
with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via 
dogsled. 
The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to leave Friday. "We need red suits 
and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said. 

Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokeself said he was 
"deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. 

"He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho' for days," said the 
spokeself. "He's just not feeling jolly." 

A weary nation can relate. 












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