"As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public
        schools"

     "Happiness is a belt-fed weapon"

     "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

     "Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"

     "I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.......
        Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

     "Tow-ers will be violated"

     "Montana --- At least our cows are sane!"

     "Jesus died for my sins and all I got was this lousy t-shirt"

     "The gene pool could use a little chlorine."

     "I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a
     vegetarian."

     "Don't blame me, I'm from Uranus."

     "Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT!"

     "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

     "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
     IRS."

     "Smile, it's the second best thing you can do with your lips."

     "Friends don't let Friends drive Naked."

     "Wink, I'll do the rest!"

     "I took an IQ test and the results were negative."

     "When there's a will, I want to be in it!"

     "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

     "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

     "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its
        students!"

     "It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."

     "Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from!"

     "Forget about World Peace.....Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! "

     "Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."

     "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

     "We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse."

     "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

     "He who laughs last thinks slowest"

     "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

     "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

     "Friends help you move.  Real friends help you move bodies."

     "Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."

     "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
        happy."

     "Consciousness: that annoying time between naps."

     "i souport publik edekasion"

     "The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette."

     "We are Microsoft.  Resistance Is Futile.  You Will Be
        Assimilated."

     "Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home."

     "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

     "Why is 'abbreviation' such a long word?"

     "Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?"

     "Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find
        a rock."

     "2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2."

     "I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with sub-atomic
     particles."

     "I killed a 6-pack just to watch it die. "

     "Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off."

     And.............
     "MY CHILD was trustee of the month at ELMWOOD!!"