DIARY OF A DEER HUNTER

1:00 AM: Alarm clock rings.

2:00 AM: Hunting partners arrive, drag you out of bed.

2:30 AM: Throw everything except kitchen sink into pickup.

3:00 AM: Leave for deep woods.

3:15 AM: Drive back home to pick up gun.

3:30 AM: Drive like crazy to get to the woods before daylight.

4:00 AM: Set up camp. Forgot the stupid tent.

4:30 AM: Head for the woods.

6:05 AM: See eight deer.

6:06 AM: Take aim and squeeze trigger.

6:07 AM: CLICK.

6:08 AM: Load gun while watching deer go over hill.

8:00 AM: Head back to camp.

9:00 AM: Still looking for camp.

10:00 AM: Realize that you don't know where camp is.

NOON : Fire gun for help---eat wild berries.

2:15 PM: Run out of bullets---eight deer come back.

2:20 PM: Strange feeling in stomach.

2:30 PM: Realize that you ate poison berries.

2:45 PM: Rescued.

2:55 PM: Rushed to hospital to have stomach pumped, throw up instead.

3:15 PM: Arrive back at camp.

3:30 PM: Leave camp to kill deer.

4:00 PM: Return to camp for bullets.

4:01 PM: Load gun---leave camp again.

5:00 PM: Empty gun on bug that is bugging you.

6:00 PM: Arrive at camp -- see deer grazing.

6:01 PM: Load gun.

6:02 PM: Fire gun.

6:03 PM: One dead pickup.

6:05 PM: Hunting partners arrive in camp dragging deer.

6:06 PM: Repress desire to shoot hunting partners.

6:07 PM: Fall into fire.

6:10 PM: Change clothing, throw burned ones in fire.

6:15 PM: Take pickup, leave hunting partners and deer in camp.

6:25 PM: Pickup boils over due to hole shot in block.

6:26 PM: Start walking.

6:30 PM: Stumble and fall, drop gun in mud.

6:35 PM: Meet bear.

6:36 PM: Take aim.

6:37 PM: Fire gun, blow up barrel that's plugged with mud.

6:38 PM: Mess pants.

6:39 PM: Climb tree.

11:00 PM: Bear leaves. Wrap gun around tree.

Midnight: Home at last. Fall on knees thanking Maker.

Next day: Watch football game on TV, slowly tearing up hunting license into small pieces, place in envelope, and mail to Game Warden.