SIGNS YOU ARE A LOSER AT LOVE

- Phone sex operators keep hanging up on you.

- Fox is starting a new show about you: "America's Least Wanted."

- You get a heart-shaped box filled with angry hornets.

- The babes just don't seem to go for your homemade Star Trek uniform.

- You're taking private tutorials with Jocelyn Elders.

- You have one of those handsome Ito beards ... and you're a woman.

- The last time you got laid was during the Eisenhower administration.

- You spend your vacation chasin' lizards.

- The Pope asks you for tips on celibacy.

- You ain't a Gingrich, but your nickname's "Newt."