YOU MIGHT BE IN A COUNTRY CHURCH IF...

* The doors are never locked.

* The Call to Worship is, "Y'all come on in!"

* People grumble about Noah letting coyotes on the Ark.

* The Preacher says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up the offering" and five guys stand up.

* The restroom is outside.

* Opening day of deer hunting season is recognized as an official church holiday.

* A member requests to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, "I ain't never been in a hole it couldn't get me out of."

* In the annual stewardship drive there is at least one pledge of "two calves."

* Never in its entire 100-year history has one of its pastors had to buy any meat or vegetables.

* When it rains, everybody's smiling.

* Prayers regarding the weather are a standard part of every worship service.

* A singing group is known as "The O.K. Chorale."

* The church directory doesn't have last names.

* The pastor wears boots.

* Four generations of one family sit together in worship every Sunday.

* The only time people lock their cars in the parking lot is during the summer and then only so their neighbors can't leave them a bag of squash.

* There is no such thing as a "secret'' sin.

* Baptism is referred to as "branding.''

* There is a special fund-raiser for a new septic tank.

* Finding and returning lost sheep is not just a parable.

* You miss worship one Sunday morning and by 2 o'clock that afternoon you have had a dozen phone calls inquiring about your health.

* High notes on the organ set dogs in the parking lot to howling.

* People wonder when Jesus fed the 5,000 whether the two fish were bass or catfish.

* It's not heaven, but you can see heaven from there.

* The final words, of the benediction are, "Y'all come on back now, ya hear!"