YOU HAVE A BAD AIRLINE PILOT WHEN...

- You overhear him say on the intercom, "Hey, Pedro, What's this gizmo do?"

- For the past two hours, you've been going straight up.

- He says, "We're cruising at an altitude of 45 feet."

- Co-pilot is sitting on his lap.

- When you take off he yells, "Weeeeeeeeee!"

- At some point he announces, "Screw Chicago, let's go find that Mars observer!"

- He's wearing a Domino's Pizza uniform.

- Over P.A. you hear, "Heh, heh, heh, this plane sucks, heh, heh, heh."

- As you get on the plane you recognize the pilot as the same guy who drove your cab to the airport.

- Keeps referring to the control tower as "Mommy."

- He keeps pacing up and down the aisle muttering, "So many gauges, so little time."

- You're halfway to your destination and he's still taxiing.

- Announces on the intercom that "We're now passing over the Grand Canyon or the Panama Canal."

- During the descent, you're advised to remain in your seat until the FAA investigators arrive.