SADDAM HUSSEIN JOKES

TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ

1. Husseinfeld

2. Mad About Everything

3. Allah McBeal

4. Wheel of Terror

5. Achmed's Creek

6. The Price is Right if Saddam Says It's Right

7. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest

8. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

9. Buffy the Zionist American Dog Slayer

10. Suddenly Sanctions

SIGNS IRAQ IS GETTING USED TO THE BOMBINGS

*Owners of Target franchises make plans to open stores back up again.

*Instead of saying, "We are under attack, please take shelter," citizens are now told, "Here we go again, you know the drill."

*Everyone wears sunglasses all the time.

*Sarcastic giggling heard just behind live CNN reporters.

*Yesterday's lead headline in most Iraqi newspapers was "NBA Lockout Continues."

*Instead of running for cover at the sound of the air raid sirens, the Iraqis do the "Tomahawk Chop."

*Hussein's latest address to the nation included the line, "We must resist the Great Satan, yadda yadda yadda..."

*Christiane Amanpour is being invited to rooftop bomb watching parties all over Baghdad.

*Baghdad High's senior class has playfully painted a bull's-eye on the roof of the school.

*Iraqi Television Network preempts Hussein's speech to show "Baywatch."

*Maps of Baghdad being divided into numbered grids and sold on street corners to play "Cruise Missile Bingo."

*Baghdad weather girls point to the map and say, "Scattered B-52 bombings and cruise missile strikes tonight through the early morning, with light rocket attacks tomorrow, clearing off by noon."

*"We could be killed by a bomb any second" no longer an effective pickup line in Iraqi bars.

*Every Iraqi citizen has been issued a catcher's mitt.

*Students anxiously listen to the radio each morning to listen for school closings.

*Even the ever-hilarious, "Sorry, that was me--must've been those BEANS I ate!" jokes are wearing thin.

*Gag gift sales soar with the release of the new "Magnetic Hat."

Iraqi leader Saddam Hussein says he will back down from a confrontation over UN weapons inspections in exchange for Monica Lewinsky.

"From what I'm hearing coming out of the White House, she is nutty and slutty which is just the way I like my mistresses. My SCUD missile is waiting for her," Hussein said from his bunker in Baghdad.

National Security advisors to the president were intrigued by the offer. "Monica's case is definitely distracting the president from properly focusing on the situation with Iraq and this may be a way to kill to two loony birds with one stone. Besides our intelligence reports indicate that Saddam's need for sex makes Clinton look like a monk," one of the advisors said.

What do Saddam Hussein and General Custer have in common?
They both want to know where the hell those Tomahawks are coming from!

What is the best Iraqi job?
Foreign Ambassador.

Did you hear that it is twice as easy to train Iraqi fighter pilots?
You only have to teach them to take off.

How do you play Iraqi bingo?
B-52...F-16...B-2

What is Iraq's national bird?
Duck.

Why doesn't Saddam Hussein get hemorrhoids?
Because he's a perfect asshole.

How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?
Both may look out their windows and see Rubble.

Why does the Iraqi Navy have glass bottom boats?
So they can see their Air Force.

Did you hear that Saddam Hussein won the toss?
He elected to receive.