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A Congressman was once asked about his attitude toward whiskey. He said, "If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it. But if you mean the elixir of Christmas cheer, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it. This is my position, and I will not compromise." At an outdoor press conference, Al Gore was addressing harsh criticism of being "lifeless as a statue." "That is absurd," Gore stoically stated. "When elected, the people of America will see just how passionate and alive I truly am." Embarrassed for her husband, Tipper, leaned in to whisper, "Honey, you have a pigeon on your head." Doctors are working on a new hypo-allergenic, non-carcinogenic material for breast implants, made from vegetable oils. The Democrats are concerned that the research could be a Republican dirty trick in the next election year. Nothing could be more dangerous to Clinton than a woman with large breasts who smells like a french fry. Photos showing Monica Lewinsky's progress in her highly publicized diet deal with Jenny Craig shows that their newest spokeswoman is making headway in her battle to lose 100 lbs. In fact, she's lost 30 lbs. already. I can't wait to hear her new commercial touting her success: "Hi, I'm Monica Lewinsky. Ever since I started on the Jenny Craig Diet, I think twice about everything I put in my mouth..." The Office of Personnel Management for the federal government today announced the 2000 holiday schedule for federal employees. There will be two less holidays in D.C. next year. Halloween and Thanksgiving have been canceled. The witch is moving to New York. She's taking the turkey with her. Two political candidates were having a hot debate. Finally, one of them jumped up and yelled at the other, "What about the powerful interest that controls you?" And the other guy screamed back, "You leave my wife out of this!" This morning, National Public Radio reported that Monica Lewinsky had been in an accident with her Sport Utility Vehicle. Immediately, four things came to my mind: 1. She must have blown
a rod. Bill goes down to visit Chelsea at Stanford and to meet her new boyfriend. Her boyfriend goes up to Bill and says, "Mr. President it's so great to meet you. You know... you're my idol, my role model." Bill replies, "Hey man, that's it! I don't want you seeing my daughter anymore!" The Clinton's are certainly running a rock and roll presidency! It ain't workin', Hillary wants our money for nothin' and Bill wants his chicks for free! On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. March 31, 1948, nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. That clears up a lot of things. Saddam Hussein is wondering why the United Nations won't approve a "no-open-fly zone" around the Oval Office. They're going to put two new faces on Mt. Rushmore. Bill Clinton's. What is Monica's favorite
Chinese food? I understand that president Clinton has started smoking a pipe. When asked if he still smoked cigars, he said, "Cigars are for pussies." What's Bill Clinton's favorite
flower? Have you heard about the
new Bill Clinton doll? President Clinton said Monday he is "looking forward" to being the husband of a senator. The way he figures it, he can finally do to a Senator what they did to him. NY Democrats are handing out bumper stickers saying "Run, Hillary, Run!" NY Republicans are putting them on their FRONT bumpers. Crime wouldn't pay if the government ran it. According to Men's Health magazine, the male lion can have sex as often as 100 times a day. In fact, at 103 times a day, the other animals stop calling him "King of the Jungle" and start calling him "President of the United States." What's green, has 4 legs,
and smells like a woman's butt? Did you hear Clinton wants
to change the National Anthem? What do Jimmy Hoffa and
Linda Tripp have in common? Did you hear Clinton's
new defense strategy? President Clinton went back to Arkansas for his high school reunion, and just like on the old football team, he got into position to take a few snaps... At least that's what he told Hillary... when she caught him hunched over a cheerleader. What's the difference between
Monica Lewinsky and the rest of us? Scenario: International
Summit in Paris. The waiter asked, "
Le apperitive?" The waiter looked at Zedillo,
"Le tequila?" The waiter looked at Yeltsin,
"Le vodka?" Finally, the waiter looked
at Clinton, " Le whisky?" What do Bill Clinton and
the Pharaoh's daughter who discovered baby Moses have in common? How will history remember
Bill Clinton? Three new bonds are being
issued: Federal Bureau of Investigation Dear Mr. Starr: Sorry, Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "I've got another dress for you to clean." Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?" "No," says Monica. "Mustard." The Boston Globe reported today that Monica Lewinsky, depressed after the media comments about her figure, and wanting a new image, reported to a plastic surgeon for removal of her love handles. She emerged two days later with no ears. This statement was made by Representative Dick Armey when asked whether he would resign if he were in the president's place: "If I were in the president's place I would not get a chance to resign. I would be lying in a pool of my own blood hearing Mrs. Armey standing over me saying, 'How do I reload this damned thing?'" The AP reports that close associates of the Clinton's concede that following the president's confession of infidelity, his relationship with Hillary has turned rather "frosty"... This contrasts with the president's relationship with Monica Lewinsky, which never seemed "frosty," but did resemble a slurpee or a big gulp. An attractive woman was leaving the White House after completing an appointment. She walked the length of the hall to the elevator, where she pressed the button.When the elevator arrived, the doors opened revealing President Clinton standing inside next to the row of floor buttons. He smiled, looked at the woman, and said, "Are you going down?" The woman replied, " No, I don't work here." Does Monica Lewinsky have to file an IRS return for her presidential "income"? If we were playing "Clue" it would be "Monica Lewinsky in the Oval Office with the magic flute." What's the difference between
President Clinton and O.J. Simpson? What do you get when you
cross Monica Lewinsky with Ted Kazinksy? What do you call 8 days
in a row of office sex? In Kennedy's time we had Camelot. In Clinton's we have CAME-A-LOT. The FBI has coined a technical term for the stains found on Monica's dress: "Presidue." Did you know that Bill
Clinton plans to join Sesame Street after his presidency is over? A guy walks into his local bordello and picks out a girl. They go back to her room and start to discuss prices. She says, "It's $100 for a blow job, $200 for straight sex, and $250 for a Monica." "What's a Monica?" he asks. "That's where I blow you now and screw you later," she answers. The FBI will conduct DNA tests on a blue cocktail dress worn by Monica Lewinsky to determine whether it contains semen stains that could corroborate claims by the former intern that she had sexual relations with President Clinton...... Proving that Clinton might be a "trickle down" politician after all... Ma Bell will now be adding a new tax to Clinton's telephone - a luxury tax! Little Caeser's is changing their name to "Little Pleasers" and with every pizza ordered you get a big cigar! Monica is opening a pizza parlor and calling it the Home Of The Pizza Slut! Clinton's new anti-tobacco message: "Don't put that cigar in your mouth, you don't know where it has been!!" Do you know what BITCH
means? They finally found proper grounds for impeaching President Clinton. They found out the cigar was a Cuban. Just recently Monica applied to be a Doctor, but she was quickly denied after they found out that she had sucked as an intern! For those of you who are interested in the REAL reason that Ken Starr and the Republicans are out to get Bill Clinton, it is because: The Republicans are jealous of the sexual activities of the DEMOCRATS. After all, who ever heard of a GOOD PIECE OF ELEPHANT! Did you hear that Chelsea
is suing Monica? Monica Lewinsky came into Bill Clinton's office. Bill got up and closed the door. He walked over to Monica, dropped his pants, pointed to his pecker and said, "How do you like my clock?" Monica said, "What are you talking about, that's not a clock?" Bill answered, "Well then, put two hands and a face on it!" Reagan, Bush, and Clinton all went on a cruise together. While the ship was out in the sea, it hit an iceberg and started to sink. Quickly, Reagan yelled out, "Women and children first!" Bush then cried, "Screw the women!" To which, Clinton responded, "Do you think we have time?" Bill Clinton is jogging through the park...a hooker says, "Fifty dollars, Mr. President." Bill says, "Five bucks!" The hooker says, "Forget it." Later the same hooker sees Bill walking with Hillary and says, "See what you get for five bucks?" You heard that Bill Clinton is begging forgiveness of the American People? Well, now he's the one on his knees. What do Bill Clinton and
Mark McGwire have in common? When Chelsea was in Girl
Scouts, it was mom Hillary that helped with selling the cookies. Why
not dad? Bill was recently overheard
complimenting Monica's appearance. What help wanted ad did
Monica Lewinsky answer? How will Clinton build
his bridge to the 21st century? What's the difference between
Bill Clinton and his dog Buddy? What did Bill Clinton say
after he was asked if Paula Jones was better than Monica Lewinsky? Clinton testified at the
Paula Jones deposition he preferred to engage in sexual activity only
on the days that started with What is Bill Clinton's
favorite federal program? Once again
Clinton's under attack, President Clinton was about to go on national TV for a speech. One of his aids rushed up to him and ask, "Do you know you have a pair of panties tied around your upper arm?" The President replied, "Yes, that is my patch. I'm trying to quit!" Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the steps off Air Force One with two pigs under his arms. At the bottom of the steps, he says to the honor guardsman, "These are genuine Arkansas Razor-Back Hogs. I got this one for Chelsea and this one for Hillary." The guardsman replies, "Nice trade, Sir." Did you hear that Monica
got honorable mention in her high school yearbook? What is Bill's idea of
safe sex? Clinton still maintains he was not lying...He was standing and she was kneeling. Did you hear about President
Clinton's award nomination? Why is President Clinton
waiting to tell his side of the story? The most recent reports of the stain on Monica's dress have been released. This whole thing seems to be a vast right-hand conspiracy! What did Clinton say when
asked if he had used protection? Why was Monica Lewinsky
in the White House after hours? In a surprise interview, Monica was asked about the details of her late night meetings with the President......"I can't remember the details, she said,but I know the answer is on the TIP of MY tongue!" The White House announced today that from now on Bill Clinton would not be worrying about international affairs. Instead he would focus all his attention to what he is really good at : extra-marital affairs! Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary replies. Bill Clinton was riding a horse in a parade. When it was over, he commented to Hillary that the horse he was riding must have been quite a stallion. Hillary said that she knew the horse he was riding happened to be a gelding. Bill said, "I know it was a stallion because I kept hearing people say, 'Look at the dick on that horse!'" Back before any of us even knew who the Clinton's were, they left a party and got into their car. Hillary slid over close and began to stroke Bill's thigh. After he was aroused, she bent down and performed quite an extraordinary blowjob on him. Bill, confused, but both pleased and satisfied drove home contentedly. As they pulled into their driveway, Hillary stroked Bill's thigh again, and got no response at all. "There!" she said. "NOW you may drive the blonde babysitter home." What's the difference between
Bill Clinton and JFK? Did you hear the Clinton's
are relieved they named their dog "Buddy"? What's the best way to
circumcise Bill Clinton? How are the networks promoting
the Clinton Testimony tape? What is Clinton's best
asset? What fraternity did Clinton
join at collage? What do Monica and Lucille
Ball have in common? What similarity is there
between Monica Lewinsky's groin and Cuba? What did Bill Clinton say
to Monica Lewinsky? Did you hear about the
new soap opera? What is the sub title to
the Starr Report? Did you hear the latest
gossip on Monica Lewinsky? A picture is worth a thousand words, a DNA sample only one, Guilty. By C-R-I-M-E do you mean that C-linton R-eally I-s M-orally E-nept? Mr. President, I would tell you to stick it in your blow hole, but I am to afraid you just might. Our president is a weasel, he is a hound. His is like one of the apes in the zoo who always seems to be openly masturbating when you walk by with your kids. For a man who isn't really sure what are sexual relations, he certainly does a lot of research. I don't see why people say Starr and Clinton are enemies. They are getting along just like brothers, Cain and Able that is. Definition of Oral Sex: Talking about it. I just finished reading the Starr Report. There is nothing better then a Blow by Blow account. Monica's dress will be known in history as "The spot seen round the world." Monica gives a whole new definition to hand rolled cigars. Now we know why Bill Clinton started chewing his cigars instead of smoking them. Will it be appropriate now to buy your girlfriend a box of cigars for Valentines Day instead of a negligee? Do they sell cigar condoms? Who needs a humidor if you have a Monica? Maybe she was showing Bill Clinton a new way to bite the tip off. (Ouch) Clinton put the moan in testimony. Monica said she was going to testify truthfully about Bill Clinton. No way will she go down for Bill Clinton...well not again, anyway. Seems Bubba has violated the eleventh commandment: Thou shalt not put thy rod in thy staff. What is Clinton's Favorite
Garden Tool? Did you Hear that Clinton
won an Oscar? What do Monica Lewinsky
and The Green Bay Packers have in common? There's a new Bill Clinton computer coming out soon. It will have a six inch hard drive, but no memory. What do Monica Lewinsky
and a soda machine have in common? What California
city can't Bill get off his mind lately? What did they
find in Monica Lewinsky's dress pocket? Did you hear Clinton is
declaring a new National Bird? How many White House Interns
does it take to screw in a light bulb? What is Clinton's favorite
toy? What is Clinton's favorite
card game? What is Clinton's
worst nightmare? How did they finally bust
Clinton? During Nixon's administration we had a crisis involving "Tricky Dicky." Now we have a crisis involving "Licky Dicky." What's Slick Willie's new
nickname? What to the Nixon Whitehouse
and the Clinton Whitehouse have in common? What is Pres. Clinton's
pet name for Hilary? "My little buttercup." Did you hear that Monica
Lewinsky is now working for 7-11? Why did Bill go out to
sea on an aircraft carrier? Why is Clinton so interested
in events in the Middle East? Why does Clinton
swim naked in the White House pool? What is Clinton's new Secret
Service Code Name? Why can't they prove anything
in the Monica Lewinsky case? How did Bill reply regarding
questions of "coaching" Monica's testimony? Bill and Hillary are on
a sinking boat. Who gets saved? What's Bill's fondest wish
now? Why is Bill Clinton diverting
federal funds from improving schools to improving jails? What's yellow, hen-pecked
and lays chicks? How can you tell that the
guy who attacked the White house with a plane was insane? Where did Bill Clinton
get his favorite hand gesture? (Index finger wrapped around the thumb
when emphasizing a point.) Why doesn't Hillary smile
more often? What do you get when you
cross Bill Clinton and James Dean? How is Bill Clinton like
an unemployed school teacher? What does Hillary have
in common with the city of Buffalo? How is the Clinton cabinet
like a bowl of Granola? The American Indians have nicknamed Bill Clinton as "Walking Eagle" because he is so full of shit that he can't fly. Clinton is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe! Clinton gives the term "going abroad" a whole new meaning. It is said that Bill Clinton is considering changing the Democratic Party emblem from a donkey to a condom, because it stands for inflation, protects a bunch of pricks, halts production, and gives a false sense of security while being screwed. Clinton has designed a new energy efficient car with no seat and no steering wheel, for those of us who have lost our asses and have no where to turn. What is the difference
between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton? What do Monica Lewinsky
and Bob Dole have in common? What does Ted Kennedy have
that Bill Clinton wished he had? Have you heard about the
new presidential limousine? Why is Clinton's approval
rating so high? What's the new press name
for the latest Presidential scandal? What position did Monica
Lewinsky have at the White House? What does Monica Lewinsky
have on her Resume? What is the difference
between Monica Lewinsky and a Hoover vacuum? If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle,
Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one
would win? Why did Monica Lewinsky
accept an offer to work on the White House staff? What's the difference between
Bill Clinton and the Titanic? How could President Clinton
deny he had sex with Monica Lewinsky? What's the most popular
game at the White House? If Kenneth Starr can extend his probe, what is wrong with Clinton doing the same? What do you get when you
cross a crooked lawyer with a greedy politician? What movie does Bill Clinton
show to seduce White House interns? What's 12 inches long,
3 inches wide and hangs in front of an asshole? What are the two worst
things about Bill Clinton? Why does Hillary Clinton
wear high collared blouses? Wouldn't Monica be great in the "got milk" ads? Can't you just picture her with that little white mustache? Scientists developed the idea for Viagra after studying President Clinton's DNA. In a survey of American women, when asked, "Would you sleep with President Clinton", 86% replied, "Not again!" After the Lewinsky story broke, Hillary asked Bill to comfort her with those three little words. Bill said, "EATIN' ain't CHEATIN'!" Clinton, Perot, and Dole were on air force one flying to Washington, when Perot got up and threw a 100 dollar bill out the window. "I just made one person happy." Not to be out done Dole stood up and threw 2 50 dollar bills out. "I just made two people happy." To get in the act Clinton threw out 100 1 dollar bills. "I just made 100 people happy." The pilot over hearing the whole situation said, "If you guys don't shut up, I will throw all of you out and make 300 million people happy." Hillary walked in on Bill while Monica was between his legs "humming a few bars of Dixie on the bone-a-phone" and Bill said this: "Hillary I know this may appear to be an improper relationship, but not to worry.....I am legally accurate when I say that we are not engaged in a sexual relationship, and besides that; it's Ken Starr's fault that it's even happening. Hillary much relieved by the explanation later went on TV defending and supporting... should we say "standing by her man." Monica didn't get paid for working in the White House...she did it for a GAG! The new favorite dish in
the White House is the Clinton stew. Clinton has given up the Saxophone...instead he's learning how to play the whore-Monica. Bill: "I didn't tell her to lie in the DEPOSITION...I told her to lie in THAT there position!" Bill Clinton accused Monica of not following the party line...He says she only paid lip service to it. Clinton hired Johnny Cochran for his defense. The new line is..."If she spit, you must acquit!" Mr. Clinton paid an unscheduled visit to a US Women's Luge Team practice, just before the team left for Nagano, Japan, shortly after hearing that they were already lying on their backs. The Secret Service got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so he was able to dodge it. Hillary just hired a new White House intern ... LORENNA BOBBIT! Most people worry about
getting AIDS from SEX. The president got a dog so that Hillary wouldn't be confused when she walked past the Oval Office and heard, "Roll over, sit, stay. Good. Now here's your bone." Hillary's new book: "It
Takes A Village..."
A philandering
pres named Bill, Bill Clinton, Bob Dole, and Newt Gingrich were in a car when they got caught in a tornado, and landed in The Land of Oz. When they got there. Bob Dole said he wanted to see the wizard and ask him for some pineapples. Newt Gingrich said when I see the wizard I will ask for a brain. Then Bill Clinton said, "Where's Dorothy?" The president was awakened late one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon. "Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "There's good news and bad news." "Oh no," muttered the president. "Well, let me have the bad news first." "The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet. " "Geez and the good news?" "The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and piss oil." Monica and Bill are in the oval office. Bill says, "Hey Monica...let's play 'Hide The Sausage'!" Monica says, "Why...you always hide it in the same damn place?" To his credit, Clinton is now defending Monica Lewinsky, saying she was no different from any other White House intern. He said, "She takes my pants off one leg at a time, just like everyone else." Bill and Hillary are at the first baseball game of the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and says something. Suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and throws her over the wall onto the field. The stunned umpired shouts, "No, Mr. President! I said, "Throw the first PITCH!" One day, Clinton angrily called the White House interior decorator into the Oval Office. He said, "Chelsea is very upset because she thinks she has the ugliest room in the entire White House; I want something done about it immediately!" "Yes Sir, Mr. President," the interior decorator replies. "I'll take those mirrors out right away!" Bill Clinton is jogging around and tells a Secret Service man, "I can't wait to get back to the White House so I can rip Monica's panties off!" The serviceman replies, "Aren't you a bit frisky sir? Bill says, "Nah..they're just riding up my crack!" One day, Chelsea Clinton asked her dad, "Do all fairy tales start with 'Once upon a time'"? Bill answered, "No, some start with, 'After I'm elected. . ." Bill and Hillary Clinton were sleeping one night at the White House. Hillary wakes up and starts shaking Bill to wake him up. "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill stays sleeping. Hillary continues, "Bill, Bill wake up." Bill finally wakes up and says, "What do you want?" Hillary responds, "I have to go use the bathroom." To which Bill says, "Please tell me you didn't wake me up just to tell me you have to go to the bathroom." Hillary says, "No, I just wanted to tell you to save my spot."
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