Bill Clinton / Monica Lewinsky / Ken Starr Jokes

When I wake up in the morning
Don't want no coffee or tea
Just give me a few minutes
With Monica Lewinskyyyy...

Cuz' I'm the President, baby
And I break all the rules
I got the United States caught
In the sex scandal blues.

FLYIN' D.N.A.

I got all excited, made a giant mess,
It was my misfortune, it landed on her dress.
Man I thought I was careful, and pointed far away,
But she caught a dressful of Flyin' D.N.A,

She was so damn playful, such a little tease,
I used to laugh at the rug burn, on her chubby knees.
She tried her best to escape it, but couldn't get away,
I bit my lip and fired, Flyin' D.N.A.,

I thought it was our secret, but she let it slip,
Monica went blabbin', right to Linda Tripp.
She taped it on her recorder, and she just pressed play,
And the world got an earful, of Flyin' D.N.A.,

When the dress gets tested, by the F.B.I.,
My only option is to just deny.
But before you impeach me, here's what's in store,
Your new El' Presedente', will be that putz Al Gore.

BILL CLINTON'S MY WAY
(To the tune of My Way)

And now, my end is near;
I'll try to hide my raging fury.
I thought I made things clear;
I testified to Starr's Grand Jury.

I answered every charge,
In my deny, deny, deny-way.
And yes, as for that dress,
I stained it my way!

Yet, there were times, I'm sure you knew,
When Monica bit off more than she could chew.
But now you know, there is no doubt;
She ate it good -- then spit it out.
It hit her dress. It made a mess.
I stained it my way!

I've had my share of chicks,
Like Paula Jones and Gennifer Flowers.
And then there's Monica,
Who did the deed -- for hours and hours...

We did it in my car,
While driving every D.C. highway.
And yes, about that dress,
I stained it my way!

Regrets, I've got a few;
But then again, just 'cause they caught me.
I did who I wanted to do,
But that Ken Starr -- he always fought me.

I've had all of those babes;
And may I say - not in a shy way.
And yes, about that dress,
I stained it my way!

For what is Bill Clinton -- what has he got?
If not some chick, then he has naught.
He does the things he truly feels;
And not the acts of ONE WHO KNEELS.
The record shows I TOOK THE BLOWS ---
I STAINED IT MY WAY!!!

GOODBYE BUBBA'S JEANS
A tribute to Bill Clinton to the tune of "Candle in the Wind"

Goodbye Bubba's Jeans
Though you always grew in your pants
You had the grace to hold yourself,
Till a woman graced the room.
You called out through the country,
While you whispered to those babes in pain,
You can take me to heaven
And then deny it all the same!

And it seems to me you spent your terms
Keeping Bimbos on the run:
Always knowing where to turn to
When you wanted some.
And your footsteps will always fall where,
Women like guys named Bill
Your legacy will never last
But your libido always will.

Goodbye Bubba's jeans
The nation will miss your style
We'll miss that pouting lip
That trembled when you felt our pain.
And even though we'll try
The truth that you are really gone
Will bring us all to tears;
When your wife is no longer running things.

And it seems to me you spent your terms
Keeping Bimbos on the run:
Always knowing where to turn to
When you wanted some.
And your footsteps will always fall where,
Women like guys named Bill
Your legacy will never last
But your libido always will.

Goodbye Bubba's jeans,
You wanted to be just like JFK
And now you've done it,
Making Monica your Marilyn Monroe.
We hope that it was worth it,
Dragging the country through the mud,
So you could satisfy that urge,
The one that's run you out of town.

And it seems to me you spent your terms
Keeping Bimbos on the run:
Always knowing where to turn to
When you wanted some.
And your footsteps will always fall where,
Women like guys named Bill
Your legacy will never last
But your libido always will.

ABSOLUTION

While the Pope was in the States he decided to grant absolution to three sinners.

The first person to come up was Hugh Grant. The Pope asked, "What is your sin?"

"I cheated on my girlfriend and got caught."

The Pope replied, "Kneel down. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."

Next in line was Bill Clinton. "What was your sin, son?"

"I cheated on my wife." The Philanderer in Chief replied.

"Kneel down, my son. I'll bless you and grant you absolution."

A third person came up and the Pope asked, "What is your name?"

"Monica Lewinsky."

The Pope stroked his chin. "Hmmmm. Perhaps you should remain standing . . . "

MONICA LEWINSKY'S DIARY

Entry 1
Dear Diary,
I'm so excited! Just got a job as an intern at the White House....and I don't know a thing about medicine. Don't even know what my duties are yet, but I hope it's a "hands on" position.

Entry 2
Dear Diary,
You won't believe this! I snuck into the Oval Office when no one was looking. But then I dropped one of my contacts. So, I got down on my hands and knees and was looking for it when, guess what... the President walked in. He said, "You must be the new intern." That man is psychic! I hope he likes me.

Entry 3
Dear Diary,
I think the President likes me. Today he dropped his contacts on the rug and asked me to find them.

Entry 4
Dear Diary,
He really likes me.

Entry 5
Dear Diary,
I have been sent to the stupid Pentagon to work. It is such a drag. Like they're going to put me in charge of heat-seeking missiles or something. But I still talk to my Bubba-cakes on the phone. He calls me "1-900-Monica". That means he thinks I'm one in nine-hundred. That's pretty special.

Entry 6
Dear Diary,
I met a really nice girl today. Her name is Linda. She's really cool except for that clown hair. Has she ever heard the word "conditioner?" She looks like Mrs. Ronald McDonald.

Entry 7
Dear Diary,
I think Linda is hard of hearing. She keeps asking me to speak louder whenever we go out for a quiet dinner.

Entry 8
Dear Diary,
Oh-oh. The bad news: I've been subpoenaed. The good news is that Vernon Jordan is my new best friend. I'm going job hunting with him tomorrow.

Entry 9
Dear Diary,
I had to give an affidavit in that stupid Paula Jones' case. What is she talking about? There are no distinguishing marks. And, by the way, I am way cuter than her. She looks like David Brenner in drag.

Entry 10
Dear Diary,
I've had it. I'm never going to be an intern again. I'm going back to Hollywood where they pay you for that kind of work.

Entry 11
Dear Diary,
Finally got home to L.A. and hugged Daddy so hard I thought I would pop. It's the first time in six months I called a man "daddy" that I was actually related to.

Entry 12
Dear Diary,
It is so totally fabulous being back in Brentwood where they really understand me. O.J. stopped by - he said not to worry because, "If there's no spot on the dress, it's anybody's guess."

Entry 13
Dear Diary,
All my girlfriends are so jealous of all the attention I'm getting from Kenneth Starr. I think they have a subpoena envy. And Linda Tripp. I hate her. I'm thinking of selling a Linda Doll. You wind it up and it stabs a Barbie doll in the back.

Entry 14
Dear Diary,
Got to remember to tell Bubba-cakes my totally do-able solution to this whole wacky Iraqi crisis. He forgets that I worked at the Pentagon. Just have Vernon Jordan get Saddam Whatsisname a job at Revlon. God, it's a no brainer!

Entry 15
Dear Diary,
They keep asking me if I had sexual relations with the President. I mean, give me a break. That is so crazy. I mean, just because every day, when I worked at the White House, his name was at the top of my "To Do" list.

Entry 16
Dear Diary,
Sometimes I wish some of the other girls who were in my position would stand up and be counted. But they might hit their heads on the President's desk if they did.

Entry 17
Dear Diary,
They keep talking about immunity... like I caught something from the President or something. The truth is, there was always a secret service man outside the Oval Office protecting us. Now, that's what I call safe sex!

Entry 18
Dear Diary,
Omigod. Mom and I are both going to the grand jury. What is that about anyway? Sounds like some big hotel. Anyway, I guess I shouldn't have told mom about taking dictation in the Oval Office. Me and my big mouth!

Entry 19
Dear Diary,
I'm not really worried. I've got offers to do some really cool movies that are going straight to video and starring me! The Full Monica, a sequel to "In And Out", "A Pack-O-Lips Now", "Wag the Willy" and my most favorite: "Good Bill Humping." I hope Speilberg will direct.

WASHINGTON D.C. BUMPER STICKERS

Clinton: We forgive you...Now Resign!

Al Gore: One heartthrob from the Presidency

Adultery is not a family value

Does character matter YET?

One More Whore And We Get Gore

Bill Clinton: Commander in Heat

My President Fooled Around with Your Honor Student

Jail to the Chief

Today kids no longer play doctor, they play President

The Clinton Creed: Take Credit Not Responsibility

If his private life doesn't matter, let him date YOUR daughter.

Save the President: Legalize Perjury

Three terms for Clinton: the third in jail

Clinton: Our Nation's Fondling Father

WILLIE HILLBILLY
(to the tune of the Beverly Hillbillies theme song)

Dere once was a story bout a man named Bill,
da poor president couldn't keep his willie still.
Then one day he was working at his desk
When in comes Monica and shows him her chest.

Boobs, that is. Two of 'em. Bodacious ta ta's...
Ya'll kneel down now, ya hear?

Well da next ting ya know Monica's on her knees
Mouth open wide and happy as you please.
Bill says, "Oh yeah don't say a ting
If you do a good job we'll have a fling."

Blow job, that is. White House scandal...

Well Bill lost his cool and he came upon her dress.
He said clean it up cuz you really look a mess.
And you're invited here to this locality,
to have a heaping helping of little Willie C.

Week after week Monica's on her knees
Keeping little Willie C as happy as you please.
Then one day she contains herself no more
She let out her story about being a White House whore.

Bad girl that is, blow jobs and bodacious ta ta's...

Now we know loose lips sink ships and Monica's a whore.
Hillary is still a bitch, and Bill is still a bore.
The country's in the toilet and the people cry "No More!"
But if we oust the cheating jerk we have to live with Gore.

Boob that is, one great big one. Got his head stuck in a tree...

So now you heard the story 'bout our Preserdent.
Wonderin if dis little fling will cost him every cent.
So da moral of da story is to do it quietly.
Don't lust for your interns sexual hospitality.

YA'LL CUM BACK NOW, YA HERE!!

TITLES FOR MONICA LEWINSKY'S FUTURE BOOK

I Wore What You Did Last Summer

I Suck At My Job

What Really Goes Down In The White House

How I Blew It In Washington

You Have to Work Hard to Find the Softer Side of the President

Testing the Limits of the Gag Rule

Going Back for Gore

Podium Girl

Secret Services to the President

Harass is Not Two Words: The Story of Bill Clinton

Deep Inside The Oval Office

The Congressional Study on White House Intern Positions

She's Chief of MY Staff!

Al Gore Is In Command For The Next 30 Minutes

How To Beat Off the Government

Going Down and Moving Up

Members of the Presidential Cabinet

Me and My Big Mouth

REPLACEMENT SONGS FOR "HAIL TO THE CHIEF"

10) "Tell Me Lies, Tell Me Sweet Little Lies" by Fleetwood Mac

9) "Afternoon Delight" by Star Land Vocal Band

8) "Your Cheatin' Heart" by Hank Williams

7) "Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places" by Mickey Gilley

6) "Jive Talkin'" by the Bee Gees

5) "Honesty" by Billy Joel

4) "Lying Eyes" by The Eagles

3) "Ocean Front Property" by George Strait

2) "I'd Lie to You for Your Love" by The Bellamy Brothers

1) "Devil with the Blue Dress" by Mitch Ryder & the Detroit Wheels

CLINTON'S TESTIMONY BY DR. SUESS

I did not do it in a car
I did not do it in a bar
I did not do it in the dark
I did not do it in the park

I did not do it on a date
I did not ever fornicate
I did not do it at a dance
I did not do it in her pants

I did not get beyond first base
I did not do it in her face...oh yes he did

I never did it in a bed
If you think that, you've been misled
I did not do it with a groan
I did not do it on the phone

I did not cause her dress to stain
I never boinked Saddam Hussein
I did not do it with a whip
I never fondled Linda Tripp

I never acted really silly
With volunteers like Kathleen Willey
There was one time with Margaret Thatcher
I chased her 'round, but could not catch her

No kinky stuff, not on your life
I wouldn't, even with my wife
And Gennifer Flowers' tale of woes
Was paid for by my right-wing foes

And Paula Jones, and those State Troopers
Are just a bunch of party poopers

I did not ask my friends to lie
I did not hang them out to dry
I did not do it last November
But if I did, I don't remember

I did not do it in the hall
I could have, but I don't recall
I never did it in my study
I never did it with my dog, Buddy

I never did it to Sox, the cat
I might have once...with Arafat
I never did it in a hurry
I never groped Ms. Betty Currie

There was no sex at Arlington
There was no sex on Air Force One
I might have copped a little feel
And then endeavored to conceal

But never did these things so lewd
At least, not ever in the nude
These things to which I have confessed
They do not count, if we stayed dressed

It never happened with cigar
I never dated Mrs. Starr
I did not know this little sin
Would be retold on CNN

I broke some rules my Mama taught me
I tried to hide, but now you've caught me

But I implore, I do beseech
Do not condemn, do not impeach
I might have got a little tail
But never, never did inhale.

FROM THE PRESIDENT'S EMAIL BOX

Dear Bill:
As a fellow Southern Baptist, I can sympathize with your predicament. Although when I was president I merely lusted in my heart, I have to admit that had I served another term, my lust might have broken free and moved down my body. God bless you in this time of trial.

Jimmy Carter

Dear Bill:
OK, so I'll never be president, but at least Donna Rice was a babe!

Gary Hart

My Dear Chap:
This is a bit of a sticky wicket, but if I were you, I should ask that charming Jay Leno fellow to see you through. Pop onto his show, admit that you made an ass of yourself and all will be forgiven.

Hugh Grant

Bill:
They entrapped me, they framed me, they caught me in a motel with drugs and a prostitute, but I bounced back and so can you!

Mayor Marion Berry

Dear Bill:
Look at the bright side. At least you weren't caught wearing Monica's thong underwear. By the way, did you catch my sports show? I'm back on TV for the fall.

Marv Albert

Dear Mr. President:
You may have noticed that I'm not jumping on the impeachment bandwagon (note: this was written a week ago). Let me assure you, you're not the only one in Congress who thinks oral sex isn't really sex.

Warm personal regards,
Newt

Dear Bill:
Hang in there, pal! By the way, Kathie Lee sends Hillary her regards and invites her to come on her show anytime.

Frank Gifford

Dear Mr. President:
Now I'm on the Supreme Court. I'm here for life! And there's nothing anyone can do about it! So there!

Justice Clarence (Long Dong) Thomas

Dear Former Worthy Opponent:
Whoo, Boy! All I can say is, Bob Dole would never have gotten himself into this mess. Not Bob Dole! Not before Viagra, anyway!

Bob Dole

Dear Mr. President:
I think it's terrible what they are doing to you, and I want you to know that if you need to get away from it all, you're welcome to bring Buddy and stay with me on my Wonderland Ranch for as long as you want. I'll move the Cub Scout Pack to a tent on the lawn and you can have their room.

Michael Jackson

Dear Fellow Sinner:
Jesus forgives you and so do I.

Rev. Jimmy Swaggart

Dear Bill:
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.

Jim Bakker

P.S. Jessica sends regards and wants to get together with you sometime.

Dear Bill:
Next time (if there is a next time), don't let them get you on tape. Big mistake!!

With sympathy,
Rob Lowe

Dear Bill:
If I survived being a tampon, you can survive the cigar bit. Things were grim for a while, but now it looks like I might actually manage to marry my darling Camilla, and someday I'll be King! Funny how life turns out. So keep a stiff upper lip! (And relax everything else, haha! And they say I don't have a sense of humor.)

HRH Charles Windsor, Prince of Wales

Dear Mr. President,
We invite you to be the cover subject of our next issue.

Editor, Cigar magazine

LITTLE JOHNNY ON CLINTON

The teacher decided to give a pop quiz on this week's spelling words. She asked the students to spell the words and use them in a sentence. Three of the words were: hotel, stigma and homosexual.

Little Johnny's answers were:

1. h-o-t-e-l The President asked Monica to keep their affair on the down low, but Linda Tripp made the ho tel.

2. s-t-i-g-m-a The President said to Monica, "I want you to stig ma cigar in your you know what.

3. h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l The President asked Monica not to wear panties because he thought it made the ho mo sexual.

'TWAS A NIGHT BEFORE CRISIS

Twas a night during crisis and
Bill's feelin' a bit ill,
He hopes Congress will swallow all his B.S.
He gave them their fill.

Ken Starr has informed
every person on earth...
We know it all,
except his legnth and his girth.

We really don't care
about all the sexual facts,
We're more concerned
with the dignity he lacks.

We want a President
we know we can trust,
Not one that we think of
and hope they will bust.

We know Whitewater
was impossible to prosecute...
All the witnesses are gone,
There's no one left to shoot.

Our country is hangin'
out there by a thread,
Seems Ole' Bill
also has China in bed!

Now, some say Linda
was a back-biting pal,
But, Monica knows
this information is foul.

For she is alive to relate all the facts
REMEMBER...
witnesses usually lay in graves,
on their backs.

"It's all a coincidence"
so many should die,
Or is the coincidence
so many WOULDN'T LIE?

40,000,000....they yell
for this screwy mess?
Not much to pay to save
Our Country...NO LESS!!

Bases are closed
leaving us defenseless,
Doesn't anyone think that
this is plain Senseless?

"Economy's good"....
many do scream,
I've got my SSI check,
that was my Big dream!

"Economy's Great"!!!
My pockets are full.
But the guy workin' 2 jobs
knows this is pure BULL!!

Babies are killed
when they're half way born,
the states are all flooded
with drugs and with porn.

Metal detectors
we find in our schools
and there is no respect
for any of the rules.

But its okay to dodge the draft,
don't inhale, lie under oath,
twist the facts to fit your ways
Follow Slick Willie, HE NEVER PAYS!!!!

He uses our laws
to do as he will,
Laws are for common folks,
not for Slick Bill!

Go Ahead,
watch "Friends" on TV,
don't get involved.....
since you really can't see.

Just sit there and complain
about Kenneth Starr,
over a drink
at your favorite bar.

Get it all over with,
My heads in the sand,
Bill's a Great Guy,
I think he's just GRAND!!

Excuse the Scoundrel that
will bury us all
But, don't complain to me,
if the country does fall.

Sorry Buddy, is our reply,
We love this country
and Bill's BOLOGNA
just DON'T FLY!!!

Now, on the real issues
Bill's covered every track.
Hillary's made sure to
give him no slack.

But, Starr is confident...
in every way,
'cause when Slick Willie is horny
he just has to play!

Slick Willie is careless
when Little Willie wants out,
He'll call Monica
She'll come....No doubt!!

She'll even bring Pizza
and we can party in here,
Everyone will keep quiet,
My henchmen are near!

And Willie was sloppy
as we all know,
He let it all hang-out
Woops....There it goes!!!

Subpoenas are issued
and Starr's smiling big,
The country's big chance
To throw out this pig.

We hope its not too late
to bring the jerk down,
And rebuild the country....
On solid good ground.

THE MONICA SONG
(To the tune of Adam Sandler's "The Hanukah Song)
Written and submitted by Greg

Get ready for funica,
Here comes Monica
She's so easyica
Her name is Monica.

Monica is the slut of all sluts,
If you give her a quarter you can grab her butt.

So when you feel like the only one in town,
With a lot of time to burn
Here's a song to recognize,
All you White House Interns!

Come into the office,
This job is a borea
Let me unzip my fly
Then you can suck me till I'm sorea.

Don't worry Miss Monica, no one will know.
'Cause Hillary and Chelsea are in the Poconos.

Bill and Paula Jones and Miss Lewinsky,
Put them together what a fine little orgy!

You don't need Linda Tripp or Kenneth Starr,
'Cause we can have sex with one of my cigars!
It's a Cuban!

Get ready for funica,
Here comes Monica,
I need a blowjobica,
So get to it Monica!

Miss Lewinsky, what a slut.
But man oh man, what a butt!
It's a beauty!

I don't care if you're a little chubby,
Compared to Hillary,
Not to shabby!

Some people think that I'm an old geezer.
Well, I am
but look at how I please her.

So many women are in my life,
About a hundred or so none are my wife!

Tell your friend Veronica,
It's time for Monica,
I hope I don't cumica,
On your big blue dressica!
So drink your gin and tonica,
And smoke your marijuanica,(but don't inhale)
If you really really wannica
Keep on sucking, sucking, sucking, sucking Monica!
Suck it Monica!

THE SHADY BUNCH
(To the tune of "The Brady Bunch")

Here's the story,
of a First Lady,
who was fighting off three very naughty girls.
All of them have had her man, like the others,
the youngest one... oral.

It's the story, of a man Slick Willie,
who was busy with three sharks of his own.
They were four men, dodging each other,
over a land deal blown.

Till the one day when Lewinsky met this fellow
and they lied about the times he was her lunch.
Then this group, it somehow became scandel.
That's the way they all became The Shady Bunch.

The Shady Bunch.......
The Shady Bunch.......
That's the way... they became... The Shady Bunch!

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* Long enough for a man, but made for a woman.

* Won't leave a mess all over her dress!

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* These won't go floppy in your mouth.

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* Melts in your mouth, not in her muff!

* Cigars... they're not just for oral pleasure any more.

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SEMEN ON A BLUE DRESS
(To The Tune of Good Golly, Miss Monica)

Semen on a blue dress, blue dress, blue dress
Semen on a blue dress found!

Fe, fe, fi, fi, fo, fo, fum
Monica's dress has the President's cum!

In the Oval Office, on the carpeted floor
Till the Leader of the Country up and hollers for more
In her reinforced kneepads with the Presidential Seal
Seeking out that First Banana to peel!

Semen on a blue dress, blue dress, blue dress
Semen on a blue dress found!

The Commander-in-Chief says, "You do it so well"
"I love it, you creep!" says Monica L.
Poor Hillary's working on "It Takes A Village"
While Miss Lewinsky's dress gets a Big Ole' Spillage
She's not too skinny, she's not too fat
Every President wants an Intern like that!

Semen on a blue dress, blue dress, blue dress
Semen on a blue dress found!

Semen on a blue dress, blue dress, blue dress
Semen on a blue dress found!

Good golly Miss Monica, don't sing to Kenneth Starr.
Good golly Miss Monica, this thing's gone way to far!

From the early, early morning to the early, early night
Miss Monica's on bended knee at the House of White!

Semen on a blue dress, blue dress, blue dress
Semen on a blue dress found!

SLICK WILLIE'S PLACE
(To the tune of Gilligan's Island)

Oh sit right back and you'll hear a tale,
A tale of a fateful trip,
That started in Hope, Arkansas,
'Tween Jennifer Flowers' hips.

Her date was the mighty governor,
Bill Clinton was his name.
One night he met young Paula Jones,
And on to her he came.
And on to her he came.

WhiteWater started getting rough.
His mighty pecker was lost.
If not for the help of the Highway Patrol,
He couldn't get it off,
He couldn't get it off.

Willie left town and settled in,
This gorgeous new White House.
With Hillary, that damn cat too,
The Vice President and his wife,
Kenneth Starr, and a bed
Here at Slick Willie's Place!

So this is the tale of our President,
He shows nothing now but class.
Nothing can distract him,
Except a piece of ass.
Except a piece of ass.

The First Lady and Tipper too,
Will do their very best.
To see that Willie's comfortable,
In his government love nest.

He moves, he strikes, he reels them in,
He feels the passion burn.
Before she knows just what is up,
He's banged the new intern.
He's banged the new intern.

So join us here in court my friend,
I'm sure you will be pleased.
Just give your deposition,
And get down upon your knees.

FOREVER AND EVER

Clinton dies and he goes to hell. Satan meet him there and says, "Bill, we have to find a spot for you for all of Eternity."

So Satan takes Bill down a hall and they come to the first door and open it. Inside is Bill Gates being burned at the stake.

"No," Bill balks, "I can't do that for all eternity."

"Fair enough," replies Satan. Satan takes Bill down the hall to a second door. Inside is Rush Limbaugh being pulled apart on The Rack.

"No," Bill again balks. "I can't do that for all of eternity either."

Satan takes Bill to the last door. Inside, Kenneth Starr is being held up to the wall with chains around his wrists. At his groin is Monica Lewinsky giving him oral sex.

Bill smiles. "Yes!" he shouts, "That's for me."

Satan walks into the room, kicks Monica and shouts, "Get up Monica, and get out... Your replacement's here."

THE SPEECH THE PREZ SHOULD HAVE GIVEN II

My fellow Americans, I have just spent six hours doing a very difficult, almost impossible thing-explaining sex to Ken Starr. I have answered all of his questions. Now I have one of my own. Did this really happen? Did I really work my ass off my whole life to become leader of the free world only to be lashed to the stake of adultery by a grand inquisitor who nobody ever voted for? I balance the budget. I preside over an unimpeachable era of peace and prosperity, but then you want to take me down for fibbing about diddling an intern in a thrown-out civil case by a woman whose gripe was she saw my weenie in the disco era?

Are you people kidding me? And now you want an apology? I don't think so!

But I'll tell you what I am sorry about-I'm sorry that for the service I do around here 24-7, the tail I did manage to get wasn't better. I ain't Marv Albert over here, all right? And while we're at it, let's cut out this crap about this not being about sex. If I hear that one more time, there's going to be a stain on somebody's clothes and it's gonna be blood!

Look, I'm sorry Ken Starr can't get laid. I'm sorry wives don't like giving oral sex. I'm sorry I'm a flesh-and-blood human being in need of some affection and release in what some might consider a high-stress job. And by the way, next time one of our embassies explodes or the Asian markets need a little hand-holding, remember who thought it was more important that I spend my time telling a jury about my penis.

Oh, I forgot, it's not about sex. Yeah, right, it's about lying. Well, grow up. People lie about sex. And nobody else in the world lapses into a police state over it.

Of course if you empower a special persecutor to stray into sexual behavior, you will create perjury crimes. But come on, what guy hasn't lied about doing a fat chick? If that makes me a criminal, take me away right now. But I also go as a victim of treason, because what else is it when an unconstitutional fourth branch of government conspires by endless legal harassment to overthrow a President twice elected by the people, the real and only real source of political legitimacy?

And so, as I go off to prison, I thank the people for the 70% approval rating. And to those many others who feel their curiosity about my personal life has blossomed into a right, who feel that the fate of the Republic is so dependent on me fessing up, let me, as a final gesture of grace, give you what you want.

You want the truth? You want to know what I really think? Well, here it is: The bitch gives great damn head!

Thank you and goodnight.

MONICA, MONICA
(To the tune of "A Bicycle Built For Two")

Monica, Monica, give me a little head.
I'm half crazy, cause Hillary won't share our bed.
She won't give me head or spread 'em.
Not even with a condom.
So, if you please, get on your knees,
And give me a little head!

MONICA LEWINSKY'S INTERN PERFORMANCE REPORT

* Truly an eager beaver.

* Uses too much teeth.

* Stays late, comes early.

* Excellent oral dictation skills: has never missed a period.

* Great attitude! Willing to accept a heavy load.

* Frequently complains of jaw pain.

* Although not a whiner, tends to be a moaner.

* "In box" is always clean and shiny.

* Tends to blab on the telephone.

* This intern may suck, but she doesn't inhale.

A PRESIDENT IN LOVE
(To the tune of Dion's "A Teenager in Love")

Last night we had a quarrel
Over a cute little tart
'Cause I lost my head
From the very start.

Every night I think Ken Starr's heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?!

One day I loved old Hillary
Next day I was a cad
Guess I'm just a rake
A fun lovin' happy lad.

Every night I think Ken Starr's heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?!

The dress was smeared
The blouse was too
I'll be a happy man
If Monica says I do.

Every night I think Ken Starr's heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?!

If you wanna have sex with me
I'd like to do it too
And if you want to tell a lie
I'll just go and pardon you.

Every night I think Ken Starr's heard too much
Why must I be a President in love!?!

A RIGHT WING CONSPIRACY PLAN

Now stories in DC are rife,
With rumors of Bill’s private life.
Trouble is brewing.
He won’t stop his screwing,
And none of it’s with his dear wife.

They say that his member is bent.
Such talk of the President!!
But none can agree
To what degree,
And in which direction it went.

If you’ve ever seen Hillary’s pan,
It’s hard to place blame on the man.
But as to his member,
She cannot remember.
It’s never been part of her plan.

For the Pres. oral was preferential.
The scene didn’t look presidential,
The Chief was quite pleased,
To have the Aide on her knees,
In a shot that would prove consequential.

Old Bill had his hand on her head.
He looked in her eyes and he said,
"I feel like a winner,
And not a real sinner.
Can you sing me a song while you’re fed."

She nodded and broke into song.
She sang like nothing was wrong,
In a spectacular manner,
The Star Spangled Banner,
While keeping both lips on his dong.

And then there’s the stain on the dress,
That’s put Bill under some stress.
Should he deny it,
The facts sure imply it,
Her mouth couldn’t hold the excess.

Or was it a whole different matter?
Dismissed as being tabloid tatter,
Was the president wearing,
The dress she was sharing,
Cross-dressing while spilling his batter?

For an intern she’s a hell of a girl.
Bill told her, "it’s only a whirl,
And I’ll never confess,
to this whole nasty mess,
If ever your lips do unfurl."

Now Slick is a real miracle man.
The polls show if anyone can,
He can stick it in double,
And come out of trouble,
It’s a Right Wing conspiracy plan.

POSSIBLE NAMES FOR THE STAIN ON MONICA'S DRESS

Arkan Sauce
Bill's Spill
The Secretion Service
All the President's Semen
Chelsea's Little Sister
Presidential "Pardon"
Sperm Spangled Splatter
Willie's Slick
In the Line of Fire
Buddy Did It!

STATE OF THE UNION

The State of the Union Address that President Clinton should have given:

Members of Congress...people of America.... I banged her. I banged her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl Campbell would envy. Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary... I do. If not for the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.

So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every butt that entered the Oval Office. Got it? Good.

Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I was as horny as Woody Allen. But, you elected me anyway, which turned out to be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who thought he could bomb his way into the White House. Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same Alzheimer's he came in with. There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in. Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente for his crackerjack style of governing. Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major contribution to American society was Agent Orange. And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for "beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White House.

Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently. Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can spell 'Internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.

Bottom line: I'm running a country here, and I'm doing it with my pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your daughter... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd like to discuss it. In the meantime, think about where you are today and that kind of life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the Presidential limousine.

God Bless America. Thank you!

SUMMER INTERN
(To the tune of "Summer Lovin'" from the musical "Grease")

Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast."

Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast."

Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me."

Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees."

Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, I, but those summer nights!"

Investigation Committee: "Well, ah..well, ah..well, ah..uh..Tell us more, tell us more..."

Linda Trip: "Try to remember your best."

Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more..."

Kenneth Star: "Did he cum on your dress?"

Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp."

Monica: "The prez is sexy - he makes my panties damp."

Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White House."

Monica: "I said OK, just don't cum in my mouth.

Investigation Committee: "Well, ah..well, ah..well, ah..uh..Tell us more, tell us more..."

Linda Trip: "He sounds like a swell guy."

Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more.."

Kenneth Star: "Did he tell you to lie?"

Bill: "Press found out, it turned into a mess."

Monica: "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress."

Bill: "She promised to lie, she made a vow."

Monica: "Wonder who is servicing him now?"

Bill & Monica: "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams

But.........oh.............Those White House Nights!"

AN ODE TO BUBBA

'Twas the night before crisis,
And behind White House doors,
Not a creature was stirring,
Especially Al Gore.

The interns were nestled,
Dressed in their berets,
In hopes that Saint Bubba
Would come out to play.

When on the East Lawn,
There arose such a clatter,
Even Sam Donaldson
Lost control of his bladder.

Away to our TVs
We flew like a flash,
There's a special report,
And it's pre-empting M*A*S*H!

And what to our wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a homely lil' troll,
With tapes for us to hear.

With a K-Mart bought blazer,
And a bad frizzy 'do,
And a tale to be told-
To me, and to you.

On the chair! On the carpet!
On the Oval Office desk!
With a chubby young intern,
Who was all eyes and chest.

The Pres had been careless,
Indeed, dumb and dumber.
Now the whole world knew
Bubba Had gotten a hummer.

And Monica Lewinsky
Emerged from the rubble,
If she'd just kept her mouth shut,
We'd not have all this trouble.

And thus set in motion,
A whole web o' spiders,
With pundits galore,
And "White House insiders.

You ask, "Who would care
About Bill and his penis?"
Republican Ken Starr,
And he's armed with subpoenas!

More rapid than eagles,
Process servers, they flew!
"Here's one for you!
And for you! And you, too!"

"Now Jordan! Now Cockell!
Is there anyone else?!?
Let's subpoena the lawyers!
And Bubba himself!!"

"We want you to tell us
About Bill's private life,
And anyone he sleeps with,
'cept, of course, his wife."

And many months later,
After long we've all suffered,
Let's examine more closely
Just what Starr's uncovered.

We've learned "Little Bill"
Has a mind of his own,
And - horror of horrors -
He likes to get blown!

A funny fact surfaced,
After 40 million bucks:
Seems most people don't care
Just who Clinton, er, makes love to.

The economy's great,
And shows no signs of slowing.
Hell, we hope Ms. Lewinsky
NEVER stops blowing!

Now the public's grown weary.
Will this sleaze never end?
We just want to get back
To "E.R.", and to "Friends."

Now Monica, Linda-
And Ken Starr, you suck -
Get the hell off my TV,
Your 15 minutes are up.

JOHNNIE COCHRAN ON BILL

From the law offices of Johnnie Cochran, Esq, here are the top proposed closing arguments in the matter of United States Vs Bill Clinton:

* If the dress ain't a mess, he won't need to confess!

* The economy's great, let the white boy skate!

* If the bitch didn't spit, you must aquit!

* If she is not spread eagle, then it's not illegal!

* Lewinsky's a whore, and Bill's better than Gore!

* So he lied to the masses, he was just saving some asses!

* He cheats on his wife, but it's his personal life!

* Bill won't tell the truth until he sees Ken Starr's proof!

* Bill is not sleazy, Lewinsky's just easy!

* If the sex is just oral, it's not really immoral!

BILL CLINTON'S SPEECH
(WHAT HE REALLY MEANT!)

Aug. 17, 1998

CLINTON: Good evening.

(Yo.)

This afternoon in this room, from this chair, I testified before the Office of Independent Counsel and the grand jury.

(Today, I got my ass dragged over the coals.)

I answered their questions truthfully, including questions about my private life, questions no American citizen would ever want to answer.

(I was lying like crazy trying to cover my ass.)

Still, I must take complete responsibility for all my actions, both public and private. And that is why I am speaking to you tonight.

(I got busted and now I'm trying to minimize the damage.)

As you know, in a deposition in January, I was asked questions about my relationship with Monica Lewinsky. While my answers were legally accurate, I did not volunteer information.

(I conned everybody during the January deposition. I played a semantics game and was able to slither away without actually telling the truth.)

Indeed, I did have a relationship with Miss Lewinsky that was not appropriate.

(I have given a new definition to the term "screwed by the Government".)

In fact, it was wrong.

(We exhausted the Kama Sutra.)

It constituted a critical lapse in judgment and a personal failure on my part for which I am solely and completely responsible.

(I was horny.)

But I told the grand jury today and I say to you now that at no time did I ask anyone to lie, to hide or destroy evidence or to take any other unlawful action.

(Hope you brought a shovel 'cause here comes the bullshit...)

I know that my public comments and my silence about this matter gave a false impression.

(I lied like a bitch.)

I misled people, including even my wife. I deeply regret that.

(Guess who's not getting any tonight?)

I can only tell you I was motivated by many factors. First, by a desire to protect myself from the embarrassment of my own conduct.

(I thought I'd get away with the whole damn thing.)

I was also very concerned about protecting my family.

(Not to mention my testicles; Hillary has her own version of "Soccer.")

The fact that these questions were being asked in a politically inspired lawsuit, which has since been dismissed, was a consideration, too.

(I didn't think there was a chance in hell that things would ever go this far.)

In addition, I had real and serious concerns about an independent counsel investigation that began with private business dealings 20 years ago, dealings I might add about which an independent federal agency found no evidence of any wrong doing by me or my wife over two years ago.

(I was worried that Ken Starr would dig up MORE dirt on me.)

The independent counsel investigation moved on to my staff and friends, then into my private life. And now the investigation itself is under investigation.

(I'm still continuing my efforts to discredit the people who've caught me with my hand in the Nookie jar.)

This has gone on too long, cost too much and hurt too many innocent people.

(Can't everybody just leave me alone?? Boo-hoo! Whaaaaaahhh!!)

Now, this matter is between me, the two people I love most -- my wife and our daughter -- and our God.

(Git offa mah land 'fore I shoot me a trespasser!)

I must put it right, and I am prepared to do whatever it takes to do so.

(If you think I bullshitted you before, you ain't seen NOTHIN' yet!!)

Nothing is more important to me personally. But it is private, and I intend to reclaim my family life for my family. It's nobody's business but ours.

(The longer this matter stays in the public eye, the bigger my chances are of being recognized as a two-bit punk who has a taste for tender, young meat.)

Even presidents have private lives. It is time to stop the pursuit of personal destruction and the prying into private lives and get on with our national life.

(-cough- -cough- -choke- I'm having trouble breathing with this Smoke Screen that's gone up...)

Our country has been distracted by this matter for too long, and I take my responsibility for my part in all of this. That is all I can do.

(I got busted but maybe you won't see though my flimsy facade.)

Now it is time -- in fact, it is past time to move on.

(Mom! Make the Bad Man stop!!)

We have important work to do -- real opportunities to seize, real problems to solve, real security matters to face.

(You are getting sleepy. Soon you will forget. Yes, forget everything...)

And so tonight, I ask you to turn away from the spectacle of the past seven months, to repair the fabric of our national discourse, and to return our attention to all the challenges and all the promise of the next American century.

(Now that I've made a laughing stock out of the US, given the Arab Nations a legitimate reason to use the term "American Pigs", and blown my credibility all to pieces, why not just grab a beer and pretend like none of this ever happened? --C'mon, baby, relax.)

Thank you for watching.

(Sorry you had to see this.)

And Good Night.

(Ok! That's the signal! Al, shoot Hillary with the tranquilizer gun! Chelsea, tell Air Force One to lay in a course for Tehran! I wanna go somewhere safe!)

AN ORAL TALE

Here’s a tale from the oval office
Told without rancour or malice
About intern acts
And oral sex
On the presidential phallus.

Bill’s dick was out of its stable
With Monica willing and able
To meet and greet
That piece of meat
Beneath a White House table.

Matters of state were delayed
As he wanted a little quick head
But after one slick lick
On the end of his dick
He came on her blue dress instead.

Said Monica "This is really a pain
For you’ve gone and left a big stain
But no way will I wash it
I’ll keep it and stash it
For someday I may need it again."

Said Bill "I hope that no-one has seen us
With you going down on my penis
For no one must know
That you gave me a blow
So we’ll keep this thing strictly between us."

But after making so messy a slip
Between Bill’s dick and her lip
Monica felt a need to confess
About the stain on her dress
To the loathsome Linda Tripp.

To her cost poor Monica found
That Linda was wired up for sound
She had her tape running
For the tale of Bill’s cuming
And that’s how the word got around.

Then Tripp told that fellow Ken Starr
Who wanted Bill’s Balls in a jar
And he created a dinsky
That made Miss Lewinsky
Hand that dress into the bar.

This guy Starr will not rest
And the Feds are doing their best
To see if that spot
Is Bill’s cum or not
By running a DNA test.

Poor Bill feels a bit of a twit
About all that Lewinsky bit
For by being immoral
And indulging in oral
He’s landed himself in the shit.

You’ll remember Bill’s pot-smoking tale
And this time he’ll surely not fail
To say ejaculations
Aren’t sexual relations
Because Monica didn’t inhale.

BILL CLINTON'S FAVORITE THINGS
(To the tune of "A Few Of My Favorite Things"
from the Sound of Music)

Blow jobs and land deals in backwater places,
Big Macs and french fries and girls with big faces,
Lots of nice cleavage that makes Willie spring,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Susan McDougal and Gennifer Flowers,
Horny young interns who while 'way the hours,
Profits from futures that Hillary brings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Beating the draft board and getting elected,
Naming to judgeships some hacks I've selected,
Conspiracy theories that blame the right wing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Golfing with Vernon and suborning perjury,
Coming out fine after having knee surgery,
Stars in the White House who come here to sing,
These are a few of my favorite things.

Meeting with Boris and Helmut and Tony,
States of the Union with lots of baloney,
Winning debates and the joy of my flings,
These are a few of my favorite things.

When that Jones bites,
When Ken Starr stings,
When I'm feeling sad,
I simply remember my favorite things,
And then I don't feel so bad.

MONICA LEWINSKY'S REPLY

Monica Lewinsky, said in a statement released in response to President Clinton's testimony said:

"I have had enough. This whole experience has left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I can't stomach any more. I feel as if I am getting the shaft, that this ugly matter has come to a head and blown up in my face.

This may be a load to handle, but when things are hard, that is when I am at my best. I have faced hard things in the past, and I know what is coming. I will meet the challenge the only way I know how: head-on. I have licked bigger things than this before, and I will again.

No one will ever be able to say that Monica Lewinsky isn't a finisher, that she quit before the job was done. I will work nonstop and fight this, blow by blow, until I am wiped clean of this dirty affair. I will not be stained by it. Thank you."

Monica Lewinsky

"STARR I ARE"
A newly discovered tale of Dr. Seuss

I'm here to ask
As you'll soon see --
Did you grope
Miss Lewinsky?

Did you grope her
In your house?
Did you grope
Beneath her blouse?

I did not do that
Here or there--
I did not do that
Anywhere!

I did not do that
Near or far --
I did not do that
Starr-You-Are.

Did you smile?
Did you flirt?
Did you peek
Beneath her skirt?

And did you tell
the girl to lie
When called upon
To testify?

I do not like you
Starr-You-Are --
I think that you
Have gone too far.

I will not answer
Any more --
Perhaps I will go
Start a war!

The public's easy
To distract --
When bombs are
Falling on Iraq!