GEORGE W. BUSH'S FIRST 100 DAYS IN OFFICE

January 20: Take oath to uphold the honor and dignity of the office of President of the United States. Nudge Rehnquist, ask what he's wearing under that dress.

January 23: Award Presidential Medal of Freedom to Ralph Nader.

January 24: Help Alec Baldwin pack.

January 30: Memo to Jeb: in your face, Poindexter!

January 31: Get people working on stuff.

February 3: Bring Democrats and Republicans together.

February 4: Bring peanut butter and chocolate together.

February 5: Unite North, South Dakota; North, South Carolina; New, Old Mexico.

February 7: Get loaded, fail to name designated driver, don't tell anyone for 25 years, usher in an era of personal responsibility.

February 9: Change pitch and tone of Washington to something that will only annoy dogs.

February 12: Replace Affirmative Action with Affirmative Access. Replace Medicare with Medicool. Replace Department of Transportation with Department of Fantabulation.

February 18: Offer Jeb important cabinet position, possibly Secretary of My Asshole.

February 20: Invite NRA executives into Oval Office to write legislation, play Madden NFL 2001.

March 1-March 31: Halftime!

April 1: Plant flowers in Rose Garden: daisies?

April 7: Give younger workers the opportunity to responsibly invest a portion of their payroll taxes in eBay bids.

April 9: Open up Yellowstone National Park, the Appalachian Trail and Chappaqua, NY for oil exploration.

April 12: State dinner for Emperor Akihito of Japan. Do "Samurai Dry Cleaner" sketch.

April 15: Replace soft bigotry of low expectations with hard nougat of candy.

April 18: Try Oval Office fellatio (once or twice; what's the harm?).