SHORT OLD AGE JOKES

A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.

She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!

What is the best birth control method for really-old seniors?
Nudity.

What's the most useless thing in Grandma's house?
Grandpa's thing.

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.

Two old women were sitting on the bench talking, when one asked the other, "How's your Paddy holding up in bed these days?"

The second old lady replied, "He makes me feel like an exercise bike."

"How's that?"

"He climbs on and starts pumping away but we never get anywhere!"

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96," the undertaker commented. "Hardly worth going home, isn't it?"

The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money, but in reality they never see any of it.

The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.

I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.

But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!

The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."

The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"

"You have Alzheimer's disease."

"Good heavens! What's the good news?"

"You can go home and forget about it!"

A husband a wife were celebrating their 90th wedding anniversary, and the media was there to document the occasion. One of the reporters asked the secret to their successful marriage and longevity. The wife replied that they had never been sick.

The young reporter was astonished and to confirm said, "So, you've never been bedridden."

And the wife quickly replied, "Oh, 1000's of times, and twice in a buggy."

A family was supposed to stay the night at a hotel, but there was a screw-up with the rooms, so Grandpa had to sleep in the same bed as the 15-year old Grandson. In the middle of the night Grandpa woke up and shouted: "Quick! Get me a woman! Fast!!"

The grandson moaned: "Please, Grandpa, calm down. First, its three o'clock in the morning, and you'll never find a woman at this hour. Second, you're 82 years old, and third, that's MY dick you're holding... not yours."

When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of your weight and the captain of your bowling team.

A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office.

"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."

"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think you're 'sex drive' is all in your head?"

"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it lowered!"

God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.

An old man goes to the doctor to ask him an important question.

"Doctor, when I was in my 20's, it took both of my hands to push down my hard-on. When I was in my 30's, it took one hand to push down my hard-on. When I was in my 50's, it took three fingers to push down my hard-on. Now that I'm in my 60's, it only takes one finger to push down on my hard-on! So what I'm basically trying to ask you is? How strong am I going to get?"

Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem. Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said, "That must be the door, I'll get it!"

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face."

The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers."

The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

A 90-year old man announces his intention to marry a woman of 30. He is persuaded to have a medical exam first.

"Everyone tells me I need a checkup to see if I'm sexually fit," he says to the doctor.

"O.K,." says the medic, "Let me see your sex organs."

So the old guy sticks out his tongue and his middle finger.

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales.

"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"

"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."