PONDERINGS

* If aliens are smart enough to travel through space, why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on Earth?

* Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

* If Superman is so smart, then why does he wear his underpants on the outside of his trousers?

* Why do some schools view suspending a student from school, as an adequate punishment for skipping school?

* Aren't senior citizen discounts just reverse age discrimination?

* To all the corporations putting us on hold when we call customer service: If your product is so successful that you can't handle the call volume, then why can't you afford to hire more customer reps?

* If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

* Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?

* If there was a bisexual pride parade, would it go both ways?

* Why do you have a hot water heater? Shouldn't it be a cold water heater?

* How can a NASCAR pit crew change 4 tires, fill the gas tank, and give the driver a drink in 17 seconds and it takes the local oil change shop 45 minutes to change the oil?

* Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

* If all is not lost, where is it?

* How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but you can't start a camp fire with a whole BOOK of matches?

* Why do you get hangnails on your fingers but never on your toes?

* How did people describe a tornado before freight trains were invented?

* Where could a man buy a cap for his knee or a key to lock of his hair?

* Could your eyes be called an academy because there are pupils there?

* In the crown of your head, what jewels are found? And who travels the bridge of your nose?

* Could you use the nails on the end of your toes to shingle the roof of your mouth?

* If the crook of your elbow be sent to jail, just what did he do?

* How can you sharpen your shoulder blades?

* Could you sit in the shade of the palm of your hand or beat on the drum of your ear?

* Can the calves on your legs eat the corn on your toes? If so, why grow corn on the ear?

* When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps?"

* Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

* Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

* Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

* If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

* Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

* If money is the root of all evil, why do churches want it so badly?

* Why is an orange the only fruit named after it's color or was the color named after the fruit?

* If matter and anti-matter come in contact with each other and there is a huge explosion, what are they going to store anti-matter in?

* If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

* So what's the speed of dark?

* If all those physics know all the lottery numbers, why are they still working?

* If you jogged backward, would you gain weight?

* What do you call a pocket calculator in a nudist camp?

* If you put instant coffee in a microwave, would you go back in time?

* How come if you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but if you take him in the car, he sticks his head out the window?

* Is "RAM disk" an installation procedure?

* Why use a big word, when a diminutive one will suffice?

* Isn't depression just unenthusiastic anger?

* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

* Isn't dancing just a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire?

* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

* How come stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism; but stealing from many is research?

* Why do bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks?

* Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

* Can a blind person feel blue?

* Since women have PMS, isn't it only fair that men should have ESPN?

* What's the point in being pessimistic? It probably won't work, anyway.

* What if there were no hypothetical situations?

* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

* How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

* How is it that a house can burn up as it burns down?

* Why do we say an alarm clock goes off when it really goes on?

* Do they have reserved parking for regular people at the Special Olympics?

* If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

* If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

* Did you ever wonder where people in hell tell people to go?

* Are you telling the truth when you lie in bed?

* If your vacuum cleaner really sucks, is that good?

* Why do hot dogs come ten in a package and the buns only eight?

*Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

* Is a computer virus covered by Medicare?

* How do you know when a Smurf suffocates?

* If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in one take so long?

* Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?

* Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?

* Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?

* If you are floating in space and you do half a somersault, are you upside down?

* Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

* Why do they call them STANDARD options when you have to pay extra for them?

* Do wet hens really get mad?

* If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

* If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?

* If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

* In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same?

* Where do swear words come from?

* Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?

* Why do people use the word "irregardless"?

* Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?

* Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works?

* Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?

* Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug?

* Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

* Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?

* Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

* Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese?

* How does skating on thin ice get you into hot water?

* Why do they have signs at Burger King that say, "Picture menus available for those who need them"? If you can't read, how can you ask for a picture menu?

* If a case of the clap spreads is it called applause?

* Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

* Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together?

* Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?

* Why do 'tug' boats push their barges?

* Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there?

* Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting?

* Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light?

* Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

* You can't have everything ... where would you put it?

* When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?

* Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

* Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

* When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say?

* Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

* Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

* Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

* If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

* Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed?

* If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

* Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds?

* If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

* If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

* If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUp?

* If mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, what do Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?

* If two voyeurs work together, are they "peers"?

* Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

* Is it possible to have a civil war?

* If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

* If God dropped acid, would he see people?

* If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

* If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

* If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

* If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

* If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

* Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

* If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

* Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

* What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

* Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

* Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

* When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting?

* If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself?

* Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure?

* Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

* Is it possible to be totally partial?

* If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

* If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

* When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

* If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

* Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

* What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

* Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital?

* Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike?

* If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a Portugoose?

* Why is bra singular and panties plural?

* When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away?

* Why do they report power outages on TV?

* If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut?

* If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart?

* If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with?

* Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

* If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

* You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

* If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

* Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

* Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

* Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

* Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

* If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

* Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

* Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

* Why is the alphabet in that order?

* If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

* If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

* Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

* Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

* If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

* When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

* Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door?

* Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

* Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

* Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

* Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk?

* The light went out, but where to?

* Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

* What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

* If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?

* When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!!

* Do fish get cramps after eating?

* How come abbreviated is such a long word?

* Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it.

* How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

* Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery?

* If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress?

* Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

* How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

* Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it?

* Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

* What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

* Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

* Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

* Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer?

* I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

* If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

* Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

* Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

* War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

* If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

* If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

* If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

* Is there another word for synonym?

* Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"

* When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs?

* Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

* Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

* If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

* Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

* Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

* If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

* Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

* Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

* If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

* Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

* How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

* Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

* Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

* Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

* If a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose?

* Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

* Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

* If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors

* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

* Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?