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NO ARMS AND NO LEGS JOKES
A man was standing on the railing of a high bridge getting ready to jump off, when he happened to look down and see a little man with no arms dancing all around on the river bank. He thought to himself, 'life isn't so bad after all', and got off the railing. He then walked down to the river bank to thank the little man for saving his life. "Thank you," he said. "I was going to jump off that bridge and kill myself, but when I saw you dancing even though you have no arms, I changed my mind." "I am not dancing," the armless man replied bitterly. "My asshole itches, and I can't scratch it!" Joe goes to pick up his blind date at her house and when he gets there he finds out she has no arms and no legs. He's a good sport, so he picks her up, puts her in his car, and takes her to a movie. When the movie's over, he picks her up again and puts her back in the car. She says, "Do you have any rope in the car?" He says, "Rope? Why yes, I have some rope." She says, "Do you know that big old oak with the real low limb down the dark corner of the park?" Joe says, "Yeah." She says, "Why don't you take us there?" When they get there, she has Joe get out the rope, undress her, and then she gives him explicit instructions how to use the rope to suspend her from the limb. And then, they proceed to have the wildest sex that Joe has ever had. When they're done, Joe drives her home, carries her inside, and puts her on the living room couch. As he's leaving, her father grabs him by the arm and says, "Here, son," and goes to hand Joe a hundred dollars. Joe says, "I can't take that, sir." Her father says, "Please, son, take the money." Joe says, "I can't, sir. You see ... I had sex with your daughter." Her father says, "Of course you did. But at least you didn't leave her hanging from that damn tree!" A man with no arms and no legs is out lying on the beach one day, enjoying his chance to get some sun. All of a sudden, a beautiful woman walks by and stops. "You poor man," she says. "I bet you've never been kissed have you?" The man has to admit, no, he never has, so she bends down and plants a good one right on the mouth. A few minutes later, another gorgeous babe walks up. "You look like you need a hug," she says. He agrees that would be nice, she gives him a great one, and walks away. A few minutes later, a drop-dead gorgeous girl walks by. She stops, a sultry smile on her face and looks down at him. "Mister," she says, "Have you ever been screwed?" "No," he says with a hopeful grin. "Well, you are now. The tide's coming in." What happened when the man with no arms
tried to masturbate? What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs in a gully? What do you call an electrician with no
arms and no legs? What do you call a plumber with no arms and
no legs? What do you call a cat with no legs? What do you call a dog with no legs? What do you call two guys with no arms or
legs hanging over your window? What was the name of the limbless guy that
fell in the fire? What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs burried 6 feet under? What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs burried 3 feet under? What do you call a man with no arms, no
legs and no torso? What do you call a legless and armless boy
on a baseball team? What was the name of the limbless guy that
was boiled by cannibals? What was the name of the limbless girl who
was stuck on a femce? What was the name of the limbless guy that
worked at the soda plant? What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs that sits on top of a podium? What do you call a man with no arms and no
legs under your car? What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs hanging on your wall? What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs in front of your door? What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs in your mail box? What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs water-skiing? What do you call a girl with no arms and no
legs rolling around on the beach? What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs in a hole in the ground? What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs trying to hold-up a bank? What do you call a girl with one leg
shorter than the other? What do you call a woman with one leg
shorter than the other, married to a politician? What do you call a girl with no arms and no
legs on a dirt road? What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs who left a smudge on your floor? What do you call a fly with no wings? What do you call a guy with no arms and no
legs that just fell out of a boat? What do you call a man with no arms and no
legs flying over a fence? What do you call a man with no arms and no
legs sitting on a grill? What do you call a woman with no arms and
no legs sitting on a grill? What do you call a man with no arms and no
legs sitting in a pile of leaves? Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest. The first has no arms. The second no legs and the third has no body, just a head. They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom. Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, whereupon the head starts coughing and spluttering. Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three years I've spent learning to swim with my damn ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some asshole puts a swimming cap on me!"
 
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