SIGNS THAT RONALD MCDONALD HAS GROWN UP

- No longer signs paychecks in crayon.

- That new "Mr. Happy Meal."

- Distinctive odor of bourbon and stale cigars at personal appearances.

- Two words: sagging buns.

- Replacing floppy red shoes with floppy black wingtips.

- Now offering "Happy Hour" Meals.

- No longer asks women if they want to see his McNuggets.

- Instead of size 46 shoe, now takes a size 62.

- Gin has replaced make-up as his nose-reddener.

- That telltale bottle of Clairol Fire Engine Red #4 in his shower.

- Seen with Jack-in-the-Box at strip clubs stuffing fries down g-strings.

- Three kids injured in unfortunate stubble incident.

- Has a McBeergut.