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LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES 2
A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly. Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck." "Yeah," Johnny replied, "But then I wouldn't have a siren." Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, "Oh,boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees. Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!" Little Johnny comes home from school one day. His mother asks "How was school?" Little Johnny replies, "I had sex for the first time today!" Little Johnny's mother is infuriated. She tells Little Johnny to go to his room and wait for his father to get home. Later, Little Johnny's father comes to his room, sits down and says, "Don't tell your mother but congratulations my boy! Sex is great, isn't it?" The next day, Little Johnny comes home and his father asks, "Did you have sex again today, Little Johnny?" Little Johnny replies, "No, my ass still hurts from yesterday." One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with "This was England's finest hour." Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, "Winston Churchill." "Congratulations," said the teacher, "You may go home early." The teacher then said, "Ask not what your country can do for you, but.." Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, "John F. Kennedy!" "Very good," says the teacher, "You may go also." Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, "I wish those girls would just shut up." Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, "Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday." Johnny was not a very good
student and could always be depended upon to say something vulgar at a moment's notice.
One day in class the teacher was talking about poetry, one of Johnny's favorite subjects. The teacher in Johnny's school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny's turn, he stood up and said, "My mom's a whore." Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal's office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked "Did you tell the principal what you said in class?" Johnny said, "Yes" "Well, what did the principal say?" "He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number." A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said, "Well, can I see him please?" Johnny snickered and said, "No, he is in the shower." Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, "Yes." The salesman said," Well, can I see her?" Johnny snickered again and said, "No, she's in the shower too." The salesman then asked, "Do you think they will be out soon?" Johnny laughed this time and said "No." The salesman asked why. "Well," Johnny said, "When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some super glue!" It seems little farm boy Johnny accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Johnny!!" the farmer yelled. "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." "That's mighty nice of you, " Johnny answered, "But I don't think daddy would like me to." "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "But daddy won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Johnny thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know daddy is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish !" the neighbor said with a smile. "By the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon." One night little Johnny was lying asleep in his bed and was awakened by a noise. He lay there for a second and realized it was coming from his parents' room. He jumped up and ran to their room only to find them awake, having sex. He just stared wide eyed at them for a while, not knowing what they were doing. He walked a little closer to the bed and said, "Daddy?", voice quivering, afraid and unaware of what they were doing. "What are you and Mommy doing?" The Dad jumped a little, startled, rolled over to see his son. "Well, Johnny, I'm...um... You know how you were wanting a baby brother?" "Yes..." replied little Johnny in a timid voice. "Well, I'm a putting little brother in your Mommy for you." Johnny smiled and said, "Oh, ok!" and left the room feeling safe and secure. The Dad felt good about himself for his witty and quick, on-the-spot answer and rolled over to fall asleep in his wife's arms. The next day after work, Daddy came home to find Johnny sitting on the grass crying. "What's wrong???" Daddy asked as he picked his son up filled with concern. "Daddy! You...you know.. *sniff* my little brother that you put in Mommy?" "Yes..." the Dad replied nervously. "The Mailman ate him this morning!" Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God." The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, "I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love." Very good," said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. "Oh no," she thought, "I'm not gonna like this." "Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?" Little Johnny says, "Your feet." The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, "Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, 'Oh God, I'm coming!'" One day Little Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, "We have a $100,000 mortgage on the house and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas." Christmas came around and Johnny asked again. The father said, "Well, the mortgage is still extremely high. I'm really sorry about that. Ask me again some other time." About two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all of his worldly possessions in a suitcase. The father asked why he was leaving. Little Johnny said, "Yesterday I was walking past your room and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too -- and DAMN if I'm going to get stuck with a $100,000 mortgage!" Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself...television, ice cream, homework, video games...but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held. The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed. For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions. After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, "What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!" "Not much," the boy's uncle replied. "I just showed him how to masturbate." The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?" "I'm in love," the boy replied. Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?" "With YOU!" he said. "But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child." "Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!" Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!" The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.' Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go." Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!" A mother bought her little boy a new set of Legos, but he was having trouble building something with them and complained to his mother. She told him to go down the street and watch the carpenters who were building a new house and maybe he'd get a few ideas. So later in the day he came home and when his mother checked in on him, he'd built this elaborate building and she was quite impressed. She ask if there was anything she could help him with and he replied, "Yeah, could you move that top block over just a cunt hair?" She was shocked and asked, "What did you say?!?" He replied, "I said could you move that top block over just a cunt hair?" She immediately told him, "Young man, you go out and get a switch right now!" He replied, "Go get the son-of-a-bitch yourself, I ain't no electrician!" Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars." She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead." Little Johnny says, "All right." He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest pecker she's ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his pecker. She says, "You don't have to do that. I can take all of it." He says, "Not for five bucks you can't!" A guy's walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Hey kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up but says nothing. "How old are you?" "Six," Johnny says. "Six? When did you start smoking?" "Right after the first time I got laid." "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?" Johnny says, "I don't remember, I was drunk." Little Mary is sitting in class and she starts bleeding. She whispers her problem to the teacher who tells her not to worry too much, just go home to her mother, and explain what happened. On her way home she meets Little Johnny who has been cutting school. Little Johnny asks Little Mary, "Where are you going?" "I'm going home because I'm bleeding," says Little Mary. "Where ya bleeding?" asks Little Johnny. So little Mary pulls down her blood soaked panties and shows him. Little Johnny steps back in horror and says, "Why did they cut your wiener off!?" Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they come to the corral, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, he said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her too." That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does I'm eating a hamburger!" A pastor was giving a lesson to a group of children on the 23rd Psalm. He noticed that one of the little boys seemed disquieted by the phrase "Surely, goodness and mercy will follow me all the days of my life..." "What's wrong with that, Johnny?" the pastor asked. "Well," answered Johnny, "I understand about having goodness and mercy, for God is good. But I'm not sure I'd like Shirley following me around all the time." Little Johnny's father sat down next to him on the couch one day and said, "Okay, Johnny, once there was this big, black rooster, and it was sitting on a fence post. How many wings does the rooster have?" Johnny replied, "It has two." Little Johnny's father then asked, "How many eyes does the rooster have?" Johnny replied, "It has two." Little Johnny's father then asked, "Well then, how many legs do you think the rooster had?" Johnny replied, "It has two, daddy." So then, Little Johnny's daddy said, "Well then, a big white cat walks up to where the big black rooster is standing on the fence post and opens its mouth to hiss at the rooster. How many teeth does the cat have?" Little Johnny scratched his head and replied, "I don't know daddy, how many teeth does the cat have?" Little Johnny's daddy grabbed him by the arm and exclaimed, "Alright boy, how come you know so much about big black cock and so little about white pussy?" One year, Johnny's family was having the "extended family" 4th of July cookout at their home. One of the special treats that year was the lighting of the fireworks (Roman candles, bottle rockets, missile batteries, etc.) they had bought out of state. Just before they were to arrive, a cousin calls, saying their neighbor's plans had just fallen through, and could they bring them along to the picnic - they even had extra food to bring. "Sure, the more the merrier!" Upon arrival and meeting of their cousin's neighbor, it is discovered that he's a police officer. The father turns as innocently as he can to Johnny, and whispers to him to grab the paper bag of fireworks sitting in the kitchen and hide them somewhere quickly. Johnny disappears, and the father changes the topic to food for the day. The family had brought some chicken to grill, so the father tells then the gas grill is all set to use out back - just turn on the gas and push the ignition button with the lid still closed. They head out the back, as Johnny comes back in through the front door. The father hurries to him and says "Whew, that was close! That man's a police officer, and he almost saw the fireworks. Did you hide them real well?" "Oh, yes! Nobody will ever think to look in the grill!" Five year old Little Johnny was lost, so he went up to a policeman and said, "I've lost my dad!" The policeman said, "What's he like?" Little Johnny replied, "Beer and women!" There has been an emergency when Bert gets home from work. His 9 year old son, Little Johnny called to tell him that his younger son has been hurt, he was hit by a car. Bert rushes through the doors of the emergency room at the hospital, "I got here as fast as I could! How is Milton?" He is told by his wife, "He's fine. He needed three stitches in his chin." "Johnny told me what happened! Thank goodness he's all right! Thank goodness he wasn't killed! I can't believe our Little Milty was hit by a car!" "That's what Johnny told you?" asks Wilma. "Well, he said some other stuff, too, but I was running out the door? Why?" "Are you familiar with the 'Hot Wheels' line of vehicles?" Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this. Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says. "Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher. "Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbors' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went 'ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!' and before he could say 'FUCK OFF!', the dog ate him!" Little Johnny is sitting, being his cool self in the local park. Along comes Suzi chomping on her piece of gum. "Hey Johnny, wanna play doctor?" Johnny lets out a puff of smoke, "Nah, that's too old fashioned." Johnny takes another drag, "Spit out your gum, I wanna play President." After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family. "Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust." "That's right, Johnny, I did." "And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust." "Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?" "Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!" A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears. Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong. "Oh Pop," Johnny sobbed, "For me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you're telling me now that grownups don’t really get it on, I've got nothing left to believe in!" Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher, indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down and have a talk with Johnny about this." So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her bedroom and closes the door. "First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse." So he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off. "Ok, now take off my skirt." He takes off her skirt. "Now take off my bra." So he does. "And now, Johnny, please take off my panties." When Johnny finishes removing those, she says, "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!" A teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat? Little Mary has the first attempt and answers, "By fur Miss?" The teacher replies, "Not quite right Mary, but a good try." Meanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!" The next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he answers, "Is it attached by skin Miss?" The teacher replies, "Not quite right either, Peter... anybody else want to try?" Finally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny, "What do you think the tail is attached by?" Johnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat... I'd say it would have to be bolted on!" Little Johnny's father walks into the bathroom and catches him jerking off. He says, "Son, every time you do that you kill an innocent baby." The next day his father walks into the bathroom and catches him again. Johnny says, "Bow your head, Pop. Can't you see we're having a funeral?" Little Johnny kept disrupting his third grade class by regularly letting loud farts. His teacher kept him after school. When she insisted on knowing why he exhibited such offensive behavior, Little Johnny said, "I do it because I can do it better than anybody, and I'm very proud of that fact." The teacher says, "If I show you I can do it better than you, will you stop?" Little Johnny agreed and the teacher placed two pieces of paper on the floor with identical piles of chalk dust on each one. Johnny dropped his pants, squatted down, farted and blew all but a tiny little speck of dust off the paper. The teacher dropped her panties, lifted her skirt, squatted down and farted but when she was done, there wasn't a trace of chalk dust left on the paper. Johnny was astonished and asked if he could see her do it again. She was willing and as she repeated the process. Johnny peeked up underneath her skirt. "No wonder you won!" he exclaimed indignantly, "You've got a Double-Barrel!" "Why do you look so glum today?" the teacher asked Little Johnny. "I didn't have no breakfast," Johnny mumbled. "You poor dear," said the teacher. "Now, to return to our geography lesson ... Johnny, where is the French border?" "In bed with my mom. That's why I didn't have no breakfast." Little Johnny came home from school crying. His mother asked him, "What's wrong, Little Johnny? Why are you crying?" Little Johnny said, "The kids were teasing me. They said I have a big head. They called me 'head case' and 'bushel head' and all sorts of other horrible names." "Nonsense, Little Johnny. Your head is no larger than the other kids. Come here and sit on my lap," said his mother. She told him how she loved him and how special he was and finally he stopped crying. She had cheered him up so he was his usual happy self. "Now, Little Johnny," she said, "I would like you to go to the store for me. Would you get a couple of quarts of milk and a large soda pop?" "How am I going to get them home, Mommy?" asked Little Johnny. "My wagon is broken. Remember?" "That's okay," she said, "Just put them in your cap." Four year old Little Johnny was visiting grandma's house for the week and one day she decided it would be all right if he had a shower with her. As they were showering Johnny looked at her and asked, "What is that?" pointing to her private parts. Grandma was a little shocked and replied, "That is my beaver." A couple of weeks later Little Johnny was home again and ended up in the shower with his mother. He looked at her and said, "What is that?" His mother said, "That is my beaver." Little Johnny thought for a little while and then said, "That is what grandma called it too but I think hers was dead because it's tongue was hanging out." A Teacher asks the children to discuss what their Dad's do for a living. Little Mary says: "My Dad is a lawyer. He puts the bad guys in jail." Little Jack says: "My Dad is a doctor. He makes all the sick people better." All the kids in the class had their turn except Little Johnny. The teacher says: "Johnny, what does your Dad do?" Johnny says: "My Dad is dead." "I'm sorry to hear that, but what did he do before he died ?" "He turned blue and shit on the carpet." The teacher said, "Every Friday I will ask a question to the class. Whoever can answer my question can have Monday off from school." When Friday approached, the teacher asked, "How many grains of sand are there in this world?" No one could answer her. Then they all anxiously waited till the next Friday. When Friday was finally here the teacher asked, "How many stars are there in the sky?" Again no kid could answer. Confused little Johnny went to thinking. As the next Friday approached he thought of something. He took to of his ping-pong ball and painted them black. Then he took them to school on Friday. When the class was packing up to go home, the teacher started to say something, immediately he let go of his balls and since his class got so distracted by little things they started to laugh. The teacher frowned and asked, "OK, whose the comedian with the black balls?" Little Johnny wasting no time, replied, "That would be Bill Cosby. See ya on Tuesday!!" In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials. So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?" Little Richie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche." The teacher nodded and called on little Susie Marie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher smiled and then called on Little Johnny. Little Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?" He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!" Little Johnny was watching his father shower. He asked him about his balls. "Those are my apples," he said. Johnny ran to his mother and told her what Daddy said. His mother asked, "Did Daddy tell you about the dead limb they're hanging on, too?" Little Johnny says, "Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?" His mom says, "Why, a stork, little Johnny." Little Johnny says, "Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies?" His mom says, "A raven, dear." Little Johnny then says, "Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?" His mom says, "A swallow!" A teacher on playground duty noticed a scruffy little boy sitting in the dirt and intently working on something. As she approached, she saw that he was using a twig to stir something in an old soup can. "What have you got in the can, Johnny?" she asked brightly. He looked up at her with evil little eyes and said, "Got me some chicken shit n' water." After she had recovered from her shock, she stammered, "What in the world are you doing?" "Makin' me a teacher!" "Oooh!" she howled. "The principal shall hear of this!" and she stamped off to find him. When she returned with the principal in tow, the boy was still hard at work, stirring away, frowning in concentration. "All right, Johnny! Now, you tell me, what have you got in that can there?" said the principal. "I got me some chicken shit an' water," said Johnny, grinning crookedly at the man and continuing to stir. The principal recoiled in horror. "What do you think you're doing?" he bellowed. "I'ze makin' me a principal," Johnny replied, leering up at him. "Well, my young friend, we'll just see about that," the principal said and stormed off to find a cop. When at last he returned with a policeman, Johnny was still industriously working on his project. "All right, me lad, what've ye got in the can?" the cop asked. Johnny replied, "Got me some chicken shit n' water!" The cop frowned and said, "Ah, and I suppose you'll be tellin' me you're makin' a cop, now won't ye?" Johnny frowned down into the can, critically examining its contents. "Nope. Ain't got enough chickenshit." One day, little Johnny was walking to school with his pet 2 turtles for show and tell. While he was on his way, a truck drove by and startled him. Johnny dropped the turtles and the truck ran them over killing both of them instantly. Johnny went along to school anyway. When the class all finished doing their show and tell projects, the teacher finally called on Johnny, "Johnny, where is your show and tell for today?" Johnny replied, "Well teacher it's like this, I was walking to school with my pet turtles and a truck drove by and scared me. I dropped the turtles and the truck ran his ass right over 'em and killed 'em!" His teacher was in shock and very sternly stated, "Johnny, we don't use that kind of language in school. We say rectum." Johnny said, "Rectum...it damn killed 'em!" Realizing that their home just wasn't big enough with the new baby in the house, Little Johnny's parents discussed moving to a bigger one. Little Johnny sat patiently listening to his parents, then piped in, "It's no use. He'll just follow us anyway."
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