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LITTLE JOHNNY JOKES
"I'm afraid I'll never see you in heaven, Johnny," the Sunday School teacher said to her most mischievous child. "Why," questioned Johnny, "What have you been doing wrong?" The composition teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that happened during the past week. Little Johnny got up and read his essay. It began, "Daddy fell into the well last week..." "My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?" "He must be," said the boy. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday." Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Johnny furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. "What the hell do you think you're doing, young man?!" she exclaimed. "Don't try to stop me!" Johnny warned. "I'm gonna do this three times a day, because there's no way I'm gonna get a cavity that looks and smells as bad as my sisters!" Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few hairs on his head?" he asked his mother. "He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for coming up with a good answer to her husband's baldness. Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why do you have so much hair?" A well-dressed business man was walking down the street when Little Johnny, covered in soot said to him respectfully, "Sir, can you tell me the time?" The portly man stopped, carefully unbuttoned his coat and jacket, removed a large watch from a vest pocket, looked at it and said, "It is a quarter to three, young man." "Thanks," said Little Johnny. "At exactly three o'clock you can kiss my ass." With that, the kid took off running, and with an angry cry, the outraged businessman started chasing him. He had not been running long when an old friend stopped him. "Why are you running like this at your age?" asked the friend. Gasping and almost incoherent with fury, the business man said, "That little brat asked me the time and when I told him it was quarter to three he told me that at exactly three, I should kiss his ass!" "So what's your hurry?" said the friend. "You still have ten minutes." Little Johnny's new baby brother was screaming up a storm. He asked his mom, "Where'd we get him?" His mother replied, "He came from heaven, Johnny." Johnny says, "WOW! I can see why they threw him out!" "I'm ashamed of you," Little Johnny's mother said. "Fighting with your best friend is a terrible thing to do." "He threw a rock at me!" the boy said. "So I threw one at him." "When he threw a rock at you, you should have come to me." "What good would that have done?" Little Johnny replied, "My aim is much better than yours." "Dad," said Little Johnny, "I'm late for football practice. Would you please do my homework for me?" Little Johnny's father said irately, "Son, it just wouldn't be right." "That's okay," replied Little Johnny "At least you could try." Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making a cake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next two hours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished." Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!" Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?" Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piece around here, you gotta spend a couple of hours playing first!" One day the teacher decides to play an animal game. She holds up a picture of a giraffe and asks if anyone knows what it is. No one raises their hand. The teacher says, "See it's long neck? What animal has a long neck?" Sally holds up her hand and asks "is it a giraffe?" "Very good Sally," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a zebra. None of the students holds up their hands. "See the stripes on this animal? What animal has stripes?" Billy holds up his hand and says, "It's a zebra." "Very good Billy," the teacher replies. Next she holds up a picture of a deer. None of the students recognized the animal. "See the big antlers on this animal. What animal has horns like this?" Still no one guesses. "Let me give you another hint, it's something your mother calls your father." Little Johnny shouts out, "Is it a horny bastard?" Little Johnny's mother decided to give her son an anatomy lesson one day, so she took off all of her clothes and pointed to her vagina, and said, "Johnny. This is where you come from." Johnny went to school the next day smiling and insisting all his friends now refer to him as "Lucky Johnny." "Why?" one asked. Johnny held his fingers an inch apart and said, "Because I came this close to being a turd." A mother bought her little boy a new set of Leggos, but he was having trouble building something with them and complained to his mother. She told him to go down the street and watch the carpenters who were building a new house and maybe he'd get a few ideas. So later in the day he came home and when his mother checked in on him, he'd built this elaborate building and she was quite impressed. She ask if there was anything she could help him with and he replied, "Yeah, could you move that top block over just a cunt hair?" She was shocked and asked, "What did you say?!?" He replied, "I said could you move that top block over just a cunt hair?" She immediately told him, "Young man, you go out and get a switch right now!" He replied, "Go get the son-of-a-bitch yourself, I ain't no electrician!" Little Johnny is delivering newspapers. He knocks on a door, a lady answers, and he says, "Collect... that'll be five dollars." She says, "I'm a little short on cash, but if you want, I'll give you sex instead." Little Johnny says, "All right." He walks in, she undoes his pants, pulls them down, and there's the biggest pecker she's ever seen. Johnny reaches into his shirt pocket, pulls out a handful of huge washers, and starts sliding them onto his pecker. She says, "You don't have to do that. I can take all of it." He says, "Not for five bucks you can't!" A guy's walking down the street and sees Johnny smoking a cigarette. He says, "Hey kid, you're too young to smoke." Johnny looks up but says nothing. "How old are you?" "Six," Johnny says. "Six? When did you start smoking?" "Right after the first time I got laid." "Right after the first time you got laid? When was that?" Johnny says, "I don't remember, I was drunk." Little Mary is sitting in class and she starts bleeding. She whispers her problem to the teacher who tells her not to worry too much, just go home to her mother, and explain what happened. On her way home she meets Little Johnny who has been cutting school. Little Johnny asks Little Mary, "Where are you going?" "I'm going home because I'm bleeding," says Little Mary. "Where ya bleeding?" asks Little Johnny. So little Mary pulls down her blood soaked panties and shows him. Little Johnny steps back in horror and says, "Why did they cut your wiener off!?" Little Johnny was 12 years-old and like other boys his age, rather curious he had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from the older boys and he wondered what it was and how it was done. One day he took his questions to his mother who became rather flustered. Instead of explaining "things" to Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older sister and her boyfriend. This he did. The following morning Johnny described everything he saw to his mother: Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while, then he turned off most of the lights. Then he started kissing and hugging her, I figured sis must be getting sick because her face started looking funny. He must have thought so too because he put his hand inside her blouse to feel her heart, just like the doctor would. Except he's not as smart as the doctor, because he seemed to have trouble finding her heart. I guess he was getting sick too because pretty soon both of them started panting and getting all out of breath. His other hand must have been cold because he put it under her skirt. About this time sis got worse and began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide down toward the end of the couch. This was when the fever started. I knew it was a fever because sis told him she was really hot. Finally, I found what was making them so sick - a big eel had gotten inside his pants somehow. It just jumped out of his pants and stood there, about ten inches long. Honest!! Anyway, he grabbed it in one hand to keep it from getting away. When sis saw it, she got really scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell open and she started calling to God and stuff like that. She said it was the biggest one she'd ever seen - I should tell her about the ones down at the lake. Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off. All of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go, I guess it bit her back. Then she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting again. Sis laid back and spread her legs so she could get a scissor-lock on it and he helped her by laying on top of the eel. The eel put up a helluva fight. Sis started moaning and squealing and her boyfriend almost upset the couch. I guess they wanted to kill the eel. After a while, they both quit moving and gave a great sigh. Her boyfriend got up and sure enough they had killed the eel. I knew it was dead because it just hung there limp, and some of its insides were hanging out. Sis and her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle, but they went back to courting anyway. He started hugging and kissing her again. By golly, the eel wasn't dead!!! It jumped straight up and started to fight again, I guess that eel's are like cat's they have nine lives or something. This time, sis jumped up and tried to kill the eel by sitting on it. After a 35 minute struggle they finally killed it again. I knew it was dead this time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the toilet!! His mother fainted. Little Johnny was laying about on a hillock in the middle of a meadow on a warm spring day. Puffy white clouds rolled by and he pondered their shape. Soon, he began to think about God. "God? Are you really there?" Johnny said out loud. To his astonishment a voice came from the clouds, "Yes, Johnny? What can I do for you?" Seizing the opportunity, Johnny asked, "God? What is a million years like to you?" Knowing that Johnny could not understand the concept of infinity, God responded in a manner to which Johnny could relate. "A million years to me, Johnny, is like a minute." "Oh," said Johnny. "Well, then, what's a million dollars like to you?" "A million dollars to me, Johnny, is like a penny." "Wow!" remarked Johnny, getting an idea. "You're so generous... can I have one of your pennies?" God replied, "Sure thing, Johnny! Just a minute." A Sunday school teacher asked the children just before she dismissed them to go to church, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "Because people are sleeping!" Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. And on this day, the teacher asked the class where they thought God lived. One little girl raised her hand, and the teacher called upon her. "I think God lives in the sky, because that is where heaven is." the girl replied. "That's good!" said the teacher. Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. "And where do you think God lives?" she asked. Very piously, the boy answered "God lives in each of our hearts!" "That's VERY good," she smiled. When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, "And where do you think God lives, Johnny?" "In the bathroom." he said. "In the bathroom?" she asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself. "Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and screams 'GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?' " Little Johnny walks into his mother's room and catches her topless. "Mommy, what are those?" he says pointing to her breasts. "Well Johnny," she says, these are balloons and when you die they inflate and float you up to heaven." Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied. Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. "Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!" "Little Johnny what do you mean?" says his mother. "Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her balloons are out. Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling, "God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!!" A Teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious." Roland the class swot, gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious." "Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?" Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious." "Well done, Katie" says the teacher. "Anyone else?" Little Irish Johnny jumps up and says, "Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious." One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then infer the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." Next is little Lucy. "Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched." The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, "Don't count your chicks before they're hatched." Last is Little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer.Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looks in shock at Little Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Johnny replies, "Don't screw with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking." Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?" The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow." As most young and weak kids are, Little Johnny was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out. He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises. The bully without asking snatched the jar from Little Johnny's hand and asked, "What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?" "Well, they're smart pills." "Smart pills?" the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. "Pweeuuweppblahhh!!" he reacted. "What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!" "See, you're getting smarter already." Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, "Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?" Grandpa looks at him and says, "No Johnny, I will not." "But Grandpa, why?" asks little Johnny. Grandpa replies, "Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to." Little Johnny goes by his parents room and sees them having sex, and he asked his father what they were doing and the father said they were playing poker and his mother was his "Wild Card". Johnny said ok and left. The next weekend he is at his grandparents home and he sees his grandfather doing it to his grandmother and again little Johnny asked what he was doing. The grandfather said he was playing poker and his grandmother was his "Wild Card". Little Johnny said ok and left. About two weeks after that, Johnny's dad goes by the bathroom and he hears Johnny in there he opens the door and sees Johnny masturbating. When he asked him what he was doing Johnny said he was playing poker. When his dad asked him where his "Wild Card" was, Johnny said, "With a hand like this you don't need a "Wild Card". Mrs. Smith,
a third grade teacher wanted the class to play a game where one pupil
starts drawing on the board, then one by one, other pupils add to it.
She thinks, and decides not to start with Johnny, because he is so naughty
and always has some "unusual" picture in mind. So she starts
with Jane, who draws on the chalk board. Jane: "This is a
house." A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe closely the worms," said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be. The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. "Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" the professor asked. Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms." The teacher decided to give a pop quiz on this week's spelling words. She asked the students to spell the words and use them in a sentence. Three of the words were: hotel, stigma and homosexual. Little Johnny's answers
were: Little Johnny was late for class, and when he saw that the door was already closed, he opened it and went into the classroom tentatively. He very quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his seat hoping not to get the teacher after him. This upset the teacher, who said him, "Johnny, is this how your father would have come in - late and sneaking to his seat? Go out and try it again, and get it right this time!" So, Little Johnny left the room and shut the door behind him quietly, as he'd come in. Then a moment later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the carpet with his foot and said, "So Honey, didn't expect ME, did ya?" The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came...Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was. "It's a period," reported Johnny. "Well, I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period?" "Damned if I know," said Johnny, "But this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself." "Johnny," the teacher started, "Do you know what 'paranoia' means?" "It's not a word, teach, it's several words," Johnny replied. "Whatever do you mean by that?" "It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed waitress with a low cut uniform reaches in front of you and says, 'Does my paranoia?'" Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?" Little Johnny waves his hand, "Me, me, me!" The teacher says, "Alright, Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?" Johnny says "Mas-tur-bate." The teacher smiles and says, "Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful." Johnny says, "No, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank." One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, "Good morning son." "Good morning pastor" replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. "Sir, what is this?" Johnny asked. "Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service," replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque. Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, "Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?" Little Johnny was sitting in class one day when the teacher said, "Class, today I am going to teach you about Custer's Last Stand. For your homework tonight I want you to depict with a drawing the lesson I am about to give." So the teacher goes on to relate the story of Custer's Last Stand. That evening at home, Little Johnny is stumped by his assignment. But all of a sudden, a light goes off in his head and he begins to draw his assignment. He is so inspired that he is convinced that he will get an "A" for the project. The next day Little Johnny hands in his assignment and the teacher looks at it. Little Johnny had drawn a picture of a cow its head surrounded by a halo standing there praying and around the cow there were lots of Indian couples having sex. The teacher was mortified. "Little Johnny! What is this!? I never talked about any of this yesterday!" Little Johnny then said, "But weren't Custer's last words "Holy Cow!! Look at all those fucking Indians!" The teacher asked her students to use the word "fascinate" in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, Mary, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'" Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Again, that was good, Sally, but I wanted the word 'fascinate.'" Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could vulgarize the word "fascinate" so she called on him. Johnny stood by the side of his desk and said with a smile, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten 8." Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. "Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked. "To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. "What's the matter?" asked Little Johnny. "Giving up?" A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom where he saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning again. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, "Ohhhh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. She told the class, "I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely, ignored him and picked Jenny, who promptly answered, "An apple." The teacher answered, "No Jenny, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny was hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skipped him again and called on Billy. "Is it a peach?" "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like you're thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now, Johnny was about to explode as he waved his hand frantically. The teacher skipped him again and called on Sally. "A banana," she said. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny was kind of irritated now, so he spoke up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cried. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answered Johnny. "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
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