WARNING SIGNS OF INSANITY

* You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

* You wake up each morning and find yourself sitting on your head in the middle of your front lawn.

* You wear your boxers on your head because you heard it will ward of evil dandruff spirits.

* You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

* Everyone you meet appears to have tentacles growing out of them, in places you wouldn't even expect tentacles to be growing from!

* You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

* Every commercial you hear on the radio reminds you of death.

* You laugh out loud during funerals.

* Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

* You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

* You have meaningful conversations with your toaster. (Well, it's a better conversationalist than the waffle iron!)

* You collect dead windowsill flies.

* Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

* You like cats. Especially with mustard.

* You scream "I've got a knife!" while wielding your toothbrush to people who try to sell you things.

* You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.

* You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

* Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

* Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

* When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

* You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

* You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

* You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

* You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

* You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

* People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.