THINGS ON THE DEVIL'S TO DO LIST

- Legally change name to the "Artist Formerly Known as the Prince of Darkness."

- Now that the job is done, get out of Daryl Strawberry's head.

- Help Bobby Knight write HIS "to do list".

- Meet O.J. for our 10 a.m. tee time.

- Divorce Bill, change name back to Rodham.

- Buy ice scraper just in case Cleveland Browns win two games in a row.

- Watch "Big Brother" . . . sorry, that's not on "anyone's" to do list.

- Collect my cut of that million dollars from Richard Hatch.

- Encourage Magic Johnson to have more unprotected sex.

- Read the Bible. . . oops, wrong list.

- Send message to George W. to chill with the executions.

- Get people to stop sending me those damn hand-baskets!