A WOMAN TO A MAN

* Learn to work the toilet seat. If you've managed to lift it up, gravity is on your side when it comes to putting it back down.

* "I ate it, didn't I?" is not considered praise.

* Get rid of your comb-over. It's not different -- it's just as ridiculous as every other comb over. You're losing your hair -- face it.

* An order of takeout ribs and a Chris Farley movie is not everybody's idea of a good time.

* "Yeah yeah, you look fine" is not a compliment.

* Yes, I DO tell my best friend everything.

* You have enough ballcaps.

* You have too many t-shirts.

*You're too old to wear a goatee.

** Every actor we find attractive is not gay. You can stop using this one we've all heard it.

* When we ask "are you listening," we already know you're not.

*Your best friend is an idiot.

* Nothing says "I love you" like offering to go to the grocery store.

* If you can rebuild the carburetor on a '66 Mustang, working the washing machine should be a snap.

* Yes and no are sometimes acceptable answers -- grunts and blank stares are not.

* A sore back that prevents you from doing household chores for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

* Underwear is like a car. After five years, it needs to be replaced with a newer model.

* A romantic weekend getaway does not involve baiting a hook.

*The reason our bras don't always match our underwear is because WE actually CHANGE our underwear.

* The next time you and your buddies joke about armed women in combat, take a poll to see which of you successfully aim at the toilet bowl.

* If we're watching football with you, it's not bonding. We're watching because of the butts.

* If the truth hurts, ask us those ego-sensitive questions on your payday.

* Whenever possible, please try to say whatever you have to say after the movie.

* Don't fret if you find out that the postman delivers more than once a day.

* Please don't drive when you're not driving.

* Lay off the beans several hours before bedtime.

* Our bedtime headaches are inversely proportional to the number of baths that you take.

* If you were really looking for an honest answer you wouldn't ask in bed.

* The next time you joke about female drivers, research the number of accidents caused by rubbernecking at miniskirts.

* If only women gossip, how do you and your buddies keep track of "who's easy?"

* Stop telling us that most male strippers are gay: WE DON'T CARE!

* Start parting and combing your hair to one side early in life: You'll never see the island coming.

* Have a strong need for male bonding? Visit your proctologist.

* Your contributions to your child should go above and beyond that chromosome you unselfishly sacrificed.

* Eye contact is best established above our shoulder level.