PREGNANCY

BEFORE THE PREGNANCY:

Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather then briefs?
Yes, but you'll have an even better chance if he doesn't wear anything at all.

Are birth control pills deductible?
Only if they don't work.

What is a chastity belt?
A labor-saving device.

Should I have a baby after 35?
No, 35 children are enough.

Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
Yes, but it's much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

My husband and I are very attractive. I'm sure our baby will be beautiful enough for commercials. Whom should I contact about this?
Your therapist.

DURING THE PREGNANCY:

How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
If it's the flu, you'll get better.

I normally wear a size 34-C bra. Now that I'm pregnant, should I continue to wear a bra?
Not if you don't mind switching in the future to a size 34-Long.

What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Childbirth.

I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
Yes, your bladder.

Ever since I've been pregnant, I haven't been able to go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
Depends on what you're doing with them.

Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

What position should the baby be in during the ninth month of pregnancy?
Head down, pressing firmly on your bladder.

My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

When is the best time to get an epidural?
Right after you find out your pregnant.

What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
It means you feel as thought not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make it's way out of you.

What are forceps?
Giant baby tweezers.

Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

AFTER THE PREGNANCY:

Will I love my dog less when the baby is born?
No, but your husband might get on your nerves.

Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
When it's a girl, for starters.

Where is the best place to store breast milk?
In your breasts.

Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
Yes, baby lips.

What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
It means that the baby's mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

How does one sanitize nipples?
Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

What are the terrible twos?
Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
When you see teeth marks.

What is the grasp reflex?
The reaction of new father's when he sees new mother's breasts.

What happens to disposable diapers after they're thrown away?
They are stored in a silo in the Midwest, in the event of global chemical warfare.

Do I have to have a baby shower?
Not if your change the baby's diaper very quickly.

What causes baby blues?
Tanned, hard-bodied bimbos.

What is colic?
A reminder for new parents to use birth control.

What are night terrors?
Frightening episodes in which the new mother dreams she's pregnant again.

Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
When the kids are in college.

Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
Yes, pregnancy.