WAYS TO BE OFFENSIVE AT A WEDDING

* Show up with a baby and claim he belongs to the newlyweds.

* Cover yourself with glue to improve your chances of catching the bouquet.

* Offer to show people pictures of the bride having sex with a dog.

* Tell people that you knew the bride before the sex change operation.

* Tell the bride that the only reason you can look at her is that you used to be a proctologist.

* As you move down the receiving line, spit on each person.

* Ask the bride's mother to give you a hand job.

* Give the bride some Binaca, and tell her it kills the taste of sperm.

* Propose a toast to the bride's nose job.

* Steal the cards from the wedding gifts so no one can tell who they came from.

* Walk up to various guests and demand to see their invitations.

* After the bride throws her garter, start people chanting, "Throw your bra, throw your bra..."

* Tell everyone that the groom had to be given Quaaludes to keep him from backing out.

* Tell the rabbi that there's no money to pay him, and ask if he'll settle for stupping the bride.

* Assure the bride's mother that the groom is "hung like a horse."

* Return a bra which the bride left in your car.

* When the bride is coming down the aisle, push the organist out of the way and start playing, "The Lady is a Tramp."

* Instead of paying to dance with the bride in the "Dollar Dance", ask her for a lap dance.