SIGNS THAT YOU MIGHT BE EXPERIENCING MENOPAUSE

* You sell your home heating system at a yard sale. (Hot flashes)

* The person you sleep with complains about snow piling up on the bed. (Nightsweats)

* Your husband jokes that instead of buying a wood stove, he is using you to heat the family room this winter. Rather than just saying you are not amused, you shoot him. (Mood swings)

* You write post-it notes with your kid's names on them. (Memory loss)

* Your husband chirps, "Hi honey, I'm home." and you reply, "Well, if it isn't Ozzie f*cking Nelson". (Irritability)

* The phenobarbital dose that wiped out the Heaven's Gate Cult gives you four hours of decent rest. (Sleeplessness)

* You find Guacamole in your hair after a Mexican dinner. (Fatigue)

* You change your underwear after every sneeze. (Mild incontinence)

* You need Jaws Of Life to help you out of your car after returning home from an Italian restaurant. (Sudden weight gain)

* You ask Jiffy Lube to put you up on a hoist. (Dryness)

* You take a sudden interest in "Wrestlemania". (Female hormone deficiency)

* You're on so much estrogen that you take your Brownie troop on a field trip to Chippendales. (Hormone therapy)