FATAL THINGS TO SAY IF YOUR WIFE IS PREGNANT

* "Sure you'll get your figure back ... we'll just search 1985 where you left it."

* "How come you're so much fatter than the other chicks in Lamaze?"

* "What's the big deal? If you can handle *me* going in, surely you can handle a baby coming out."

* "Hey, when you're finished puking in there, get me a beer, willya?"

* "Yo, Fatass! You're blocking the TV!"

* "I finished the Oreos."

* "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds."

* "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!!"

* "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"

* "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."

* "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."

* "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."

* "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"

* "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"

* "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"

* "Get your *own* ice cream."

* "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."

* "Got milk?"

* "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."

* "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"

* "Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam..."

* "You don't have the guts to pull the trigger..."