THE CLASSIFIEDS

If you see this describing a man, here's what it really means:

40-ish - 52 and looking for 25-yr-old

Athletic - Sits on the couch and watches ESPN

Average looking - Unusual hair growth on ears, nose,& back

Educated - Will always treat you like an idiot

Free Spirit - Sleeps with your sister

Friendship first - As long as friendship involves nudity

Fun - Good with a remote and a six pack

Good looking - Arrogant

Honest - Pathological Liar

Huggable - Overweight, more body hair than a bear

Likes to cuddle - Insecure, overly dependent

Mature - Until you get to know him

Open-minded - Wants to sleep with your sister

Physically fit - I spend a lot of time in front of mirror admiring myself

Poet - Has written on a bathroom stall

Spiritual - Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday

Stable - Occasional stalker, but never arrested

Thoughtful - Says "please" when demanding a beer

If you see this describing a woman, here's what it really means:

40-ish - 48

Adventurer - Has had more partners than you ever will

Athletic - Flat-chested

Average looking - Ugly

Beautiful - Pathological liar

Contagious Smile - Bring your Penicillin

Educated - College dropout

Emotionally Secure - Medicated

Feminist - Fat; ball buster

Free spirit - Substance user

Friendship first - Trying to live down reputation as slut

Fun - Annoying

Gentle - Comatose

Good Listener - Borderline Autistic

New-Age - All body hair, all the time

Old-fashioned - Lights out, missionary position only

Open-minded - Desperate

Outgoing - Loud

Passionate - Loud

Poet - Depressive Schizophrenic

Professional - Real Witch

Redhead - Shops the Clairol section

Ruebenesque - Grossly Fat

Romantic - Looks better by candle light

Voluptuous - Very Fat

Weight proportional to height - Hugely Fat

Wants Soulmate - One step away from stalking

Widow - Nagged first husband to death

Young at heart - Toothless crone