PERSONAL GUIDE FOR MEN CAUGHT "LOOKING"

A guide to what men should say when caught looking at another woman by their significant other:

* I can't believe that outfit she is wearing. (Said disdainfully)

* Look at that guy... over there... behind the woman.

* I think that's a man dressed as a woman. (Incredulous)

* Isn't that the actress from the movie 'Delicatessen'? (Chances are she hasn't seen that movie - and neither have you, but you will get brownie points naming a foreign film, and it will be just obtuse enough to distract her.)

* I think that's the girl I knew from high school who eventually joined a convent (or was committed to an asylum) and turned out to be a real nut case.

* Help me, I got something in my eye... can't see a thing!

* I was staring off into space because I was about to have an epiphany about the direction of my life and the nature of my love for you, but it's gone now, thank you very much!

* Hey, that's the loser I dumped in order to go out with you. Boy, am I glad I ever got away from her. What a moron.

* I know you're probably thinking I was staring at a beautiful woman, but to me she is like one of those fancy bakery cakes that looks good, but then you have a bite and it is so sweet that it makes you sick. She makes me sick. (It helps if you convulse a little at the end here... maybe it will camouflage your drool).

* I was just thinking how I felt sorry for her - since she can never hold a candle to you (this one might only get you punched, but it's worth a try).