BEING A WOMAN

Everyday I give thanks to the Goddess,
I have two mounds upon my bodice.
I shave my legs, I sit down to pee.
I can justify any shopping spree.

Not to a barber, but a beauty salon
Can get a massage without a hard on.
Can balance the checkbook, pump my own gas.
Can talk to my friends about the size of my ass.

I always save money by using coupons.
Can admit to others when I am wrong.
Don't drive in circles at any cost,
So I don't have to admit when I am lost.

Don't act like I'm in a timed marathon
Every time I go to the john.
Let me tell you men, listen to me boys...
Those things in your pants that you treat as toys...

You love them more then we ever will.
We would rather suck on a cold pickled dill.
I spend two hours preparing for a date,
Only to find you're two hours late.

I don't watch movies with lots of gore.
Don't need instant replay to remember the score.
I won't lose my hair, I don't get jock itch
And just cause I'm assertive, don't call me a bitch.

I don't wear the same underwear everyday.
The food in my fridge has no sign of decay.
I don't go to Sears to look at the tools.
I don't cheat at poker, I follow the rules.

I don't smoke cigars.
Don't pay for drinks at bars.
I don't punch my friends just to say "Hi"
And it's o.k. for me to cry.

I know all you men
Think that you're "IT",
But compared to a woman
You just ain't SHIT!