WEDDING PLANNING TIPS

A wedding is a magical event, but planning one can be loaded with potential pitfalls. Here are some helpful tips to make sure that special day is perfect in every way.

* Avoid seating guests next to fellow family members who may have molested them in early childhood.

* If possible, hold your wedding in a beautiful outdoor location so that adorable woodland fawns and garland-toting bluebirds may also attend.

* It is customary for the bride to wear a special white gown, complete with lacy veil, long train and pregnancy-hiding girdle.

* Do not rely on overprotective dad Steve Martin. He's got the wedding jitters!

* Make sure to choose a bridesmaid-dress color that does not occur in nature.

* Consider hiring a professional DJ for your reception. Professional DJs are the only people specially licensed to play "The Chicken Dance."

* Be sure all the Hooters girls fit comfortably inside the cake.

* When looking at churches, give extra points to the one with the most tortured and bloody Christ display.

* It is a good idea to buy the seven-piece S&M leather-restraint set with gift money received at the wedding, rather than putting it on the registry.

* Choose a reception hall that is large enough to meet your needs, but small enough to be adequately hosed down after Uncle Dennis vomits up his 14 brandy Old-Fashions.

* When considering seating arrangements, it is best not to seat neo-Nazis next to blacks or Jews.

* If you're thinking about hiring a band, The Spin Doctors is available for weddings, as well as bar mitzvahs and children's birthday parties. For more information, contact Jennifer Katz at Epic Records.

* Instead of spending thousands on floral arrangements that wilt and die after a few days, consider decorating the tables with attractive, long-lasting cinderblock.

* When choosing a caterer, take care to select an amusing immigrant caricature. The resulting language barrier is sure to guarantee comical hijinks for all.