HOW TO BE A SUCCESSFUL MAN

Never thrust your sickle into another man's corn.

Don't spread your blanket where a cat's been digging.

Don't skinny-dip with snapping turtles.

Never give up. And never, under any circumstances, face the facts.

Never drive through a small Southern town at 100 mph with the local sheriff's drunken 16-year old daughter on your lap.

Never use the words "large" or "size" with "rear end" when referring or speaking to a woman.

Never invoke the gods unless you really want them to appear. It annoys them very much.

Never, I say NEVER, pee onto an electric fence.

Don't wear polyester to a weenie roast.

Cow chips need to dry out for a spell before you toss them.

Don't go hunting with a fellow named Chug-A-Lug.

Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the room.

Never stand between the dog and the hydrant.

Don't stand behind a coughing cow.

Never say anything on the telephone you wouldn't want your mother to hear at your trial.

Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and heavier.

Never accept a glass of lemonade from a urologist.

Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for the job of umpire.

Never take a job where the winter winds can blow up your pants.

Don't lick a frozen pump handle.