RULES FOR DRIVING IN NEW YORK CITY

* When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow oncoming traffic to pass.

* Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under the wheels of your car.

* The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you see. Grab it.

* Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.

* Always look both ways when running a red light.

* Never use directional signals when changing lanes. They only warn other drivers to speed up and not let you in.

* Making eye contact revokes your right of way.

* Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible. And if a pedestrian ahead of you steps into the road, speed up, honk or yell loudly and chase him back up on the curb. Pedestrians have no rights.