YOU'RE ATTENDING THE WRONG LAW SCHOOL IF...

* Materials needed for Torts 101 include a baking sheet and apron.

* Morely Safer and his camera crew are on campus more often than you are.

* If you last the entire eight weeks, Sally Struthers personally signs your diploma.

* Admission test, found on back of a matchbook, requires you to draw Marcia Clark's briefs.

* Faculty recruited from the exercise yard.

* The Dean once failed to get James Earl Jones acquitted on a charge that he "talks like a sissy."

* Professors always accept 5th Amendment as an excuse for not turning in homework.

* Every question answered with, "You can't handle the truth!"

* Two words: Dean Wapner

* Three hours a day of chasing a little metal ambulance around a dog track.

* In mock trials, the judge always sentences you to a spanking.

* Today's lecture: "Fight for Your Right to Party," by visiting professor Adam "The King AdRock" Horovitz.

* Your roommate is on a "John Gotti Scholarship."

* Can't see the blackboard over Axl Rose's hair.

* The white wigs and black robes may be a tradition, but there's no explaining the lipstick, garter belts, and high heels.