SHORT LAWYER JOKES

A man walks into a bar. He sees a beautiful, well-dressed woman sitting on a bar stool.

He walks up to her and says, "Hi there, how's it going tonight?"

She turns to him, looks him straight in the eyes and says, "I'll screw anybody at any time, any where -- your place or my place, it doesn't matter one iota."

The guy raises his eyebrows and says, "No shit!?! What law firm do you work for?"

A young boy walked up to his father and asked, "Dad? Does a lawyer ever tell the truth?"

The father thought for a moment. "Yes son," he replied, "Sometimes a lawyer will do anything to win a case."

A lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."

An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.

"All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards."

A group of Arab terrorists burst into the conference room at the Ramada Hotel where the American Bar Association was holding its Annual Convention. More than a hundred lawyers were taken as hostages.

The terrorist leader announced that, unless their demands were met, they would release one lawyer every hour.

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses."

The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A lawyer was on vacation in a small farming town. While walking through the streets, a car was involved in an accident. As expected a large crowd gathered. Going by instinct, the lawyer was eager to get to the injured, but he couldn't get near the car. Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, "Let me through! Let me through! I am the son of the victim."

The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the car was a donkey.

A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl's grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?"

"Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?"

"The tombstone back there said, 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

After years of hard work, Angie took her first vacation on a luxury cruise ship. While sitting in a deck chair, she recognized a former high school classmate, a long-lost friend from her old hometown.

She crossed the deck and shook hands with her friend and said: "Hello, Angela. I haven't seen you in years. What are you doing these days?"

"I'm practicing law," whispered Angela. "But don't tell my mother. She still thinks I'm a prostitute."

A bus load of lawyers were driving down a country road when all of a sudden the bus ran off the road and crashed into a tree in an old farmer's field. The old farmer after seeing what happened went over to investigate. He then proceeded to dig a hole and bury the lawyers.

A few days later, the local sheriff came out, saw the crashed bus, and then asked the old farmer, "Were they all dead?"

The old farmer replied, "Well, some of them said they weren't, but you know how them lawyers lie."

A doctor and a lawyer in separate vehicles collided on I-95 one foggy night. The fault was questionable, but both were shaken up, and the lawyer offered the doctor a drink from a pocket flask. The doctor took the flask with a shaking hand and belted back a couple of swallows.

As the lawyer started to put the cap back on the flask the doctor asked, "Aren't you going to have one too, for your nerves?"

"Of course I am," replied the lawyer, "after the Highway Patrol gets here."

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.

What do you call a lawyer who has gone bad?
Senator.

How many lawyers does it take to roof a house?
Depends on how thin you slice them.

When lawyers die, why are they buried in a hole 24 feet deep?
Because down deep, they are all nice guys!

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything comes out in fine print.

Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery!

Did you hear about the lawyer from Texas who was so big when he died that they couldn't find a coffin big enough to hold the body?
They gave him an enema and buried him in a shoe box.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
The lawyer charges more.

It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?) ... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets!

Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
He gets taller.

What's the definition of a tragedy?
A busload of lawyers crashes off a cliff and one seat is empty.

How can a pregnant woman tell that she's carrying a future lawyer?
She has an uncontrollable craving for baloney.

A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total-loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, "What's happened to your car?"

"Well," the friend responses, "I ran into a lawyer."

"OK," says the man, "that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?"

"Well, I had to chase him all through the park."

Someone mistakenly leaves the cages open in the reptile house at the Bronx Zoo and there are snakes slithering all over the place. Frantically, the keeper tries everything, but he can't get them back in their cages. Finally he says, "Quick, call a lawyer!"

"A lawyer? Why??"

"We need someone who speaks their language!"

When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested, we call him an accomplice. When a person assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested, we call him a defense lawyer.

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.

"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."

The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers! We had $100 when we broke in!"

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

A lawyer was visiting a farmer on business, when he stepped out of his Mercedes in the farmyard he stepped into a cow dropping. Looking down he cried, "My god I'm melting!"

The post office had to recall its series of stamps depicting famous lawyers.  It seems that people were confused as to which side to spit on.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
You take your boots off to jump on a trampoline.

What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
A tick falls off of you when you die.

What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
A Doberman.

Shortly after a car was broadsided in a busy intersection, a good Samaritan rushed to see if anyone was hurt. He saw that the driver was dazed and bleeding. "Hang in there, lady," he said. "Are you badly hurt?"

"How the hell should I know?" she snapped. "I'm a doctor, not a lawyer."

A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?"

"Sure do," replied the bartender.

"Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
Lipstick.

What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
Skeet.

After her checkup, the young woman told her gynecologist that she was quite concerned, because every man she slept with wanted anal sex. "This may sound silly," she said, "but can I get pregnant that way?"

"It's not silly at all," the doctor replied. "Where do you think all the lawyers come from?"

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful woman. "What a rip-off," the man muttered. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer spends it with that gorgeous woman."

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Two Scientists were working late discussing ideas about behavior modification studies. "We've started something new at my lab," said the first scientist. "For some of our more dangerous experiments, we're now using lawyers".

"Lawyers?" asks the second scientist. "Why aren't you using rats?"

"Well you know how it is," the first scientist replies. "You can get attached to rats."

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
There are skid marks in front of the dog.

What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.

How do you save a drowning lawyer?
Take your foot off his head.

What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
Stick his bill up his ass.

The two partners in a law firm were having lunch when suddenly one of them jumped up from the table and said, "I have to go back to the office. I forgot to lock the safe!"

"What are you worried about?" the other said. "We're both here."

A lawyer is talking to his client. He says, "I have some good news, and I have some bad news."

The client says, "I could use some good news. What is it?"

"You ex-wife is not making you pay on further inheritance."

"Great! Now what's the bad news?"

"Well, uh..she's marrying your father."

What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo?
The gigolo only screws one person at a time.

How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
You can't get your finger between the rope and his neck.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a carp?
One is a cold blooded bottom dwelling scavenger and the other is a fish.

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q of 40?
Your Honor.

What's the difference between God and a lawyer?
God doesn't think He's a lawyer.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a hooker?
The hooker stops screwing you when you're dead.

What do you call 100,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A good start.

This guy walked into a bar and shouted for all to hear, "Lawyers are ASSHOLES!"

A man in the back of the bar stood up and shouted back at him "I take exception to that statement and I resent it greatly!"

The first guy said "Are you a Lawyer?"

The man responded "No, I'm an asshole!"

A lawyer's wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, "Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice."

Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, "You should cry. I can't believe a mistake like this has been made on your wife's tombstone!"

Through his tears, Murray croaks, "You don't understand! They left out the phone number!"

A man walked into a lawyer's office and asked him what his rates were. "$50 for three questions," the lawyer replied.

"Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.

"Yes," the lawyer replied. "And what is your third question?"

Why don't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

How do you kill a lawyer when he's drinking?
Slam the toilet seat on his head.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vulture?
Vultures wait 'until you're dead to rip your heart out.

Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
To prevent clients from being billed twice for essentially the same service.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?             
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Did you hear about Robby Knievel's newest stunt?
He'll attempt to jump 1,000 lawyers with a bulldozer.