SIGNS YOU PUT YOUR KID IN THE WRONG PRE-SCHOOL

* Child comes home without glasses claiming to have lost them in a game of "Lord of the Flies."

* Your son thinks making hand-puppets requires a paper bag, some waterpaints, and no pants.

* "OK, kids! Gather 'round the pentagram for sing-a-long time!"

* Potty training involves a lighter, a clip and rolling papers.

* No student has ever jumped from Mary Margaret's School for the Gender Ambiguous directly into the NBA.

* Practice of "trapping and killing your lunch" not mentioned in brochure.

* Leather-clad teacher announces that today's letters are S and M.

* The classroom hamster is really just a wad of cotton from an aspirin bottle.

* She can't say her ABC's, but she can re-sole your Nikes in 20 seconds flat.

* Even the baby bottles have pierced nipples.

* For snack time, it's always anchovies and Clamato.

* "Do-Bee" always seems to have the munchies.

* The teacher sends home a note reading, "Your snot-nosed little bastard keeps getting into my tequila."

* On the first day, the children are divided into "pimps" and "hos."