A QUIZ FOR ALCOHOLICS

Do you get loaded on an hourly basis? Or is ginger ale your idea of a stiff drink? The key to good partying is balance. Staying home and watching TV every night is unquestionably lame, but if you get so sick drinking every night that your days are always wasted, what's the point? Drinking is great, but too much too often can really be a drag. Keeping control of your consumption can help you lead a happy party life. So, how well do you maintain a good party life and attitude? If you can't answer this for yourself, take this little quiz.

1. The first thing you do when you get to a party is:

A. Locate all the fire exits
B. Locate all your buddies
C. Locate the women and start right up with the cheesy lines
D. Locate the keg and make up for lost time

2. When the party ends, you can be found:

A. Asleep at home
B. Sober, and driving your loaded friends home
C. Leaving with your arm around the hottest girl there
D. Passed out in your own puke

3. The morning after a party, you can be found:

A. Up early, preparing a delicious, but sensible breakfast
B. Sleeping
C. Hoping to God you didn't give your name to that girl
D. Doing shots of Southern Comfort to get rid of your headache

4. When you go visit your local liquor store, the clerk most often says:

A. "No new Spiderman's today, sport!"
B. "What can I do for you?"
C. "Haven't seen you for the last couple days. Been on vacation?"
D. "You finished all that already? You know, I only get one shipment a day."

5. When women meet you, they usually remember you for:

A. Your brand new Sears cardigan
B. Your unusual talent in bed
C. You beer gut
D. The funny way you couldn't stop shaking

6. You look forward to the Super Bowl most of all for:

A. The Michael Jackson Half time show!
B. The game, stupid.
C. Bud Bowl XXXXVCMXCLLLMC!
D. An excuse to drink alone on Sunday

7. The fictional character you most resemble is:

A. Mr. Rogers
B. Ferris Bueller
C. Homer Simpson
D. Norm Peterson

8. When you have a little time alone, you most often:

A. Call up the girls you like and hang up after hearing their voices. Then, call again
B. Savor it
C. Relax with the Bulls and a six pack
D. Try to beat your record time for getting drunk and passing out

9. Your favorite book is:

A. Any of the Hardy Boys mysteries
B. Catcher in the Rye
C. Clockwork Orange
D. What's a book?

10. The biggest reason you drink is:

A. Milk it does a body good
B. You enjoy the thirst-quenching barley-and-hops goodness of the occasional cold beer
C. When the Bud Girls finally show up, you better have a beer handy
D. Orange juice just tastes funny without vodka

Score Your Answers...

Now, count how many times you picked each letter and find your most common response. If you're having trouble counting because you're too drunk, just forget it and go directly to "D"

A. Loosen up, man. Try wearing boxers, eating Jell-O with your fingers or experimenting with the F-word. Anything!

B. All right, cool daddy, you're doing fine. You control the firewater; it doesn't control you. Let others tremble in awe--you are in charge of your own destiny.

C. Watch it. You're beginning to rely on alcohol too much for having a good time. Step back and enjoy life a little more. Booze is supposed to make good times better, not create them all by itself.

D. The nationwide number for Alcoholics Anonymous is 1-800-950-9888. Call it immediately!