SOME HMO FAQ'S

Q) I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want?

A) Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents.  Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors basically fall into two categories--those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry--the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half a day's drive away.

Q) What does HMO stand for?

A) This is actually a variation of the phrase "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Doctor Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the physical finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice-mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q) Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?

A) No. Only those you need.

Q) What are pre-existing conditions?

A) This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately we appear to be pre-stuck with it.

Q) Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions?

A) Certainly, as long as they don't require any treatment.

Q) What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?

A) You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q) My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?

A) Poke yourself in the eye.

Q) I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my out-patient surgery, but I'd already paid my bill. What should I do?

A) You have two choices. Your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms or frog hatcheries.

Q) What should I do if I get sick while traveling?

A) Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q) No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick?

A) You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, and then get sick.

Q) I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?

A) Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm giving him a shot at it.

Q) What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs?

A) Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q)Will health care be any different in the next century?

A) No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

HMO Memo To All Hospital Staff

To: All Hospital Staff
From: Administration/Groundskeeping
Subject: New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective immediately, this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the parking areas.

In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The ward clerk will be responsible for watching cardiac monitors and security monitors as well as regular duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something or may make arrangements with Subway or Pizza Hut to deliver. Coin-operated telephones will be available in patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.

Housekeeping and Physical Therapy will be combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range of motion exercises as well as a clean environment. Families and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the rooms of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bill. Time cards will be provided.

As you can see on the "from" line above, hospital administration is assuming the groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office, it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawnmower, weed-whacker, etc.

Maintenance is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the Time-Life "How to..." series of maintenance books. These can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on "Basic Wiring", but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood related tests on patients who are already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more than two X-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Photomat. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Photomat will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour processing in emergency situations, so if you come across any extra coupons please clip out and send these to ER.

In view of the hot summer temperatures, the Utilities Dept. has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are asked to contribute discarded produce.

Pharmacy will utilize this for antibiotic production. These will be available for purchase and, coincidentally, will soon be the only antibiotics on our HMO's formulary.