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YOU MIGHT WORK IN
THE ER IF...
* You believe 90% of people are a poor excuse for protoplasm. * Discussing dismemberment over a gourmet meal seems perfectly normal to you. * You believe a good tape job will fix anything. * You have the bladder capacity of five normal people. * You have ever wanted to reply "yes" when someone calls asking, "Is my Mother (father, etc.) there?" * You have ever wanted a terrorist to deliver a Ryder truck to the lab or ER. * You have ever issued a "dead head alert." * You have ever referred to the ER doc or triage nurse as a "Shit magnet." * Your favorite hallucinogen is exhaustion. * You think caffeine should be available in IV form. * You have ever restrained someone and it was not a sexual experience. * The most commonly uttered phrase in triage is, "What changed tonight that makes it an emergency after 6 months?" * You have heard the charge nurse muttering down the hall, "Who's in charge of this mess anyway?" * When you mention vegetables you're not referring to the food group. * You have used the words "healthcare reform" to strike fear in your co-worker's hearts. * You believe that the waiting room should be supplied with a valium salt lick. * You play poker using ectopy on EKG strips. * You believe a "supreme being consult" is your patients only hope. * You want to order a "dumbshit profile". * You are totally astounded when someone from lab speaks English. * You have been exposed to so many X-rays that you say, "No I don't worry about birth control... I've been irradiated." * You believe that your patient is demonically possessed. * Your patient states, " I have no idea how that got stuck in there." * You can identify the positive teeth to tattoo ratio. * Your idea of a good time is a full arrest at shift change. * You find humor in other people's stupidity. * You believe in aerial spraying of Prozac. * You disbelieve 90% of what you are told and 75% of what you see. * You have your weekends off planned a year in advance. * When a patient presents you with a list of medicine allergies you automatically assume they are a drug seeker or a patient of Dr. Solotkin. * Your idea of comforting a child is to place them in a papoose restraint. * You encourage an obnoxious patient to sign out AMA so you don't have to deal with them any longer. * You believe that "Shallow Gene Pool" should be a diagnosis. * You believe the government should require a permit to reproduce. * You plan your dinner while performing gastric lavage. * You believe that "Ask-A-Nurse" is an evil plot thought up by Satan. * You believe that unspeakable evil will befall you if the phrase "Wow, it's really quiet" is uttered. * You refer to Friday as "Dump Day". * Your diet consists of food that has undergone more processing than most computers. * You believe chocolate is a food group. * When someone calls you a bastard, you take it as a compliment. * When you are out in public you compliment a complete stranger on their good veins. * You have ever referred to someone's death as a transfer to the "Eternal Care Unit". * You don't think a referral to Dr. Kevorkian is inappropriate. * You have ever referred to someone's death as a "Celestial Discharge". * You have ever answered a "lost condom" phone call (See "Ask-A-Nurse" above.) * You refer to someone in respiratory distress as a "Smurf". * Your idea of a really good time is Dueling Shock Rooms. * You have ever wanted to hold a seminar entitled "Suicide... Getting it right". * You believe that "Too Stupid to Live" should be a diagnosis. * You have ever had to leave a patients room before you began laughing uncontrollably.
 
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