YOU'VE JOINED A CHEAP HMO WHEN...

* Pedal-powered dialysis machines.

* Use of antibiotics deemed an "unauthorized experimental procedure."

* Head-wound victim in the waiting room is on the last chapter of "War and Peace."

* You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

* Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

* Exam room has a tip jar.

* You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.

* "Will you be paying in eggs or pelts?"

* Tight budget prevents acquisition of separate rectal thermometers.

* "Take two leeches and call me in the morning."

* The company logo features a hand squeezing a bleeding turnip.

* Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

* Covered post-natal care consists of leaving your baby on Mia Farrow's doorstep.

* Radiation treatment for cancer patients requires them to walk around with a postcard from Chernobyl in their pocket.

* "Pre-natal vitamin" prescription is a box of Tic-Tacs.

* Chief Surgeon graduated from University of Benihana.

* Directions to your doctor's office include, "take a left when you enter the trailer park."

* Doctor listens to your heart through a paper towel tube.

* Only item listed under Preventive Care feature of coverage is "an apple a day."

* Only participating Physicians are Dr. Fine, Dr. Howard, Dr. Fine.

* Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

* Plan covers only "group" gynecological exams.

* Preprinted prescription pads that say "Walk it off, candy ass."

* To avoid a time consuming and expensive throat culture, the doctor just French kisses you.

* Recycled bandages

* You can get your flu shot as soon as the hypodermic needle is dry.

* Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to goodwill last month.

* 24-hour claims line is 1-800-TUF-LUCK

* Costly MRI equipment efficiently replaced by an oversized 2-sided copier.

* Enema? The lavatory faucet swivels to face upward.