NEW MICROSOFT KEYBOARD

Microsoft Corporation has just announced a new PC keyboard designed specifically for Windows. {Sources say a Macintosh variant is in the works.} In addition to the keys found on the standard keyboard, Microsoft's new design adds several new keys which will make your Windows computing even more fun! The final specs are not yet set, so please feel free to make suggestions. The keys proposed so far are:

* GPF key - This key will instantly generate a General Protection Fault when pressed. Microsoft representatives state that the purpose of the GPF key is to save Windows users time by eliminating the need to run an application in order to produce a General Protection Fault.

* $$ key - When this key is pressed, money is transferred automatically from your bank account to Microsoft without the need for further action or third party intervention.

* ZD key - This key was developed specifically for reviewers of Microsoft products. When pressed it inserts random superlative adjectives in any text which contains the words Microsoft or Windows within the file being edited.

* MS key - This key runs a Microsoft commercial entitled "Computing for Mindless Drones" in a 1" x 1" window.

* FUD key - Some thing to do with the display ... self explanatory.

* Chicago key - Generates do nothing loops for months at a time.

* IBM key - Searches your hard disk for operating systems or applications by vendors other than Microsoft and deletes them. (Is very effective at removing Netscape).

* MSN key - With a single keystroke you will install and setup the world's second slowest web access (AOL takes first place). And you thought it was tough deleting all of the SetupMSN files from Win 95!

* RW95 key - Stands for Re-install Windows 95. Because it's usually a weekly ritual for most Win 95 users, why not make it easier?

* FDISK key - Microsoft's new compression utility gives you 100% data compression guaranteed. Could stand for Format Disk, but we all know what it really stands for.