BLONDE ONE-LINERS

Why did the blond lay out on the lawn chair in her bikini at midnight?
She wanted to get a dark tan.

What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
An Italian suppository.

Did you hear about the blonde virgin who wasn't upset about losing her cherry?
She figured she could always get a new one, since she still had the box it came in.

What's the difference between a blonde and a washing machine?
If you throw a load in a washing machine, it doesn't follow you around for 3 days.

Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
So she could lip read.

Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!

What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
All you have to do is scratch the box to win.

What did the blonde's mother say when she asked if she could lick the bowl?
"Just flush it like everybody else does."

Hear about the blonde explorer?
She bought a piece of sandpaper thinking it was a map of the Sahara Desert.

How can you tell if the blonde is a nurse?
She can make a patient without disturbing the bed.

What does a blonde have in common with the United States Army?
They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen and thirty-five.

Why do blondes flock around the Police sharpshooters?
They heard sharpshooters have a reputation for being excellent crack shots.

Did you hear the one about the blonde that had a problem with her bed?
She couldn't find a knife large enough to apply the bed spread.

What is every blonde's ambition in life?
To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
She threw it off of a cliff.

How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for french fries.

Why do blondes have see-through lunch box tops?
So they can tell if they are going to work or going home, while on the bus.

Why do blondes like lightning?
They think someone is taking their picture.

Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
From eating with forks.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
A space invader.

What do you call a blonde in a tree with a brief case?
Branch manager.

Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
From crawling across the street when the sign said "don't walk."

Why did the blonde take her typewriter to the doctor?
She thought it was pregnant because it missed a period.

Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
She wanted to know how to cook food stamps.

What do you call four blondes in a Volkswagen?
Far-from-thinkin.

What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
Spot.

Did you hear about the blonde that shot an arrow into the air?
She missed.

What do you give the blonde who has everything?
Penicillin.

Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
The rest are hunt'n peckers.

Did you hear about the blonde that stayed up all night to see where the sun went?
It finally dawned on her.

What do you call a group of blondes on roller skates?
A mobile sperm bank.

Why do blondes get confused in the bathroom?
They have to pull their own pants down.

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the YMCA?
"Look! They spelled MACY's wrong!"

What do you call a blonde touching her toes?
A brunette with bad breath.

Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Why did the blonde have blisters on her lips?
From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she was hammering?
The noise gave her a headache.

Why did the blonde climb over the glass wall?
To see what was on the other side.

What do you call a zit on a blonde's butt?
A brain tumor.

What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
You always hear about them but never see them.

A brunette, a blonde and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, she is 18.

Did you hear about the three blondes who were driving to Disneyland?
After being in the car for hours, they saw a sign that said "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.

What do most blondes get on an IQ test?
Drool.

These two blondes walk into a building.  You'd think one of them would have seen it.

Why does a blonde keep empty beer bottles in her fridge?
They are for those who don't drink!

Why did God give every blonde two more brain cells than a cow?
So they don't moo-moo when you pull on their titties.

Three women are lying on a beach which one is the blonde?
The one with the g-string on back to front.

Why can't a blondes water ski?
Because when they get wet between their legs, they end up on their back.

What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes at a four way stop.

How did the blonde die while drinking milk?
The cow sat down!

What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

What is the difference between a blonde and the local football team?
The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Why is a blonde like a door knob?                
'Cause everyone gets a turn.                                                  

What's the difference between a blonde and the Atlantic Coast?
The Atlantic Coast would never have that many crabs.

What do blondes put behind their ears to attract men?
Their ankles.

Why did the blonde have lip stick on her steering wheel?
She was trying to blow the horn.

What is the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
You can only get three fingers in a bowling ball.

How are blondes and bowling balls alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in the gutter and they always come back for more.

What is the difference between blondes and hookers?
Blondes cost less per score.

What is the ugly blonde's mating call?
"I said, 'I'm so drunk!'"

What goes Blonde, Brunette, Blonde, Brunette ?
A blonde doing cartwheels.

What is the difference between a brunette and a blonde in love?
The brunette falls head over heels in love and the blonde falls with heels over head!

What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
Gets dressed and goes home.

Why would a blonde wear green lipstick?
Because red means stop!

How does a blonde prefer her eggs in the morning?
Unfertilized.

What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
Not everyone has been in a 747.

What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.

Why don't blondes like to wear hoop earrings?
Because their feet keep getting caught.

Why do blondes like to wear hoop earrings?
To hold their ankles in.

What's the difference between a mosquito and a blonde?
When you slap a mosquito, it will stop sucking.

What's the difference between a blonde and a taxi cab?
You have to pay to ride in a taxi cab.

How do you give a blonde more headroom?
Adjust the steering wheel.

Why does a blonde wear panties?
To keep her ankles warm.

How does a blonde turn on the lights after having sex?
Opens the car door.

What do blondes and cow pies have in common?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Why aren't blondes good cattle herders?
Because they can't even keep two calves together!

What did the blonde's right leg say to the left leg?
Nothing. They've never met.

Why is a blonde like a turtle?
They are both screwed when they're on their back.

What did the blonde's mom say to her before she went out?
If you're not in bed by midnight, come home.

How is a blonde like a hardware store?
Two cents a screw!

What do blondes and screen doors have in common ?
The harder you slam them, the looser they get.

What is a blonde's mating call?
"I'm so drunk!"

Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
She's been laid all over the country.

What's a blondes idea of natural childbirth?
No make-up.

How do you prevent a blonde from having sex?
Marry her.

What does a blonde make for dinner?
Reservations.

How is a blonde like a vacuum?
They both suck.

What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

What's the difference between a blonde and a rooster?
In the morning, a rooster says, "Cock'll-doodle-doooo", while a blonde says, "Any-cock'll-doooo."

What's the difference between a blonde and a Porsche?
You can only fit two people in a Porsche.

Why did the blonde have square boobs?
Because she forgot to take the tissues out of the box.

Did you hear about the blonde who got locked in the bathroom?
She was in there so long, she peed her pants.

How many blondes does it take to make chocolate-chip cookies?
Three...one to mix the batter and two to squeeze the rabbit.

Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
It took her a month to realize she could play it at night...

How did the blonde burn her nose?
Bobbing for french fries.

What do you get when you offer a blonde a penny for her thoughts?
Change.

Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
It's not real bright, but it's cheap, and spreads easy.

Why do blondes write TGIF on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.

Why don't blondes like using a vibrator?
It chips their teeth.

Why don't blondes like to make Kool-Aid?
They can't get eight cups of water into that little packet.

Why did the blonde quit using birth control pills?
They kept falling out.

Why did the blonde only change her baby's Pampers twice a month?
Because the box said "for 18 to 24 pounds."

What's the advantage of being married to a blonde?
You can park in the handicapped zone.

What do you call eight blondes in a freezer?
Frosted flakes.

What did the blonde say when she got pregnant?
"Gee, I hope it's mine."

How many blondes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None.  They screw in cars.

Why was the blonde excited when she finished the jigsaw puzzle in six months?
Because the box said 4 to 6 years.

What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
Gifted.

A blonde looked at her drivers license and got depressed when she saw that she got an "F" in sex.

How can you tell which blonde is the waitress?
She's the one with the tampon behind her ear, wondering what she did with her pencil.

Why was the blonde guy arrested for indecent exposure?
Someone asked him to count to eleven.

Why don't blonde women wear underwear when they cook?
To keep the flies off the food.

What do you call a blonde with two brain cells?
Pregnant.

How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
Wave.                                                                                    

What do you do if a blonde throws a pin at you?    
Run, she's got a hand grenade in her mouth!

How do you keep a blonde busy?
You give her a bottle of shampoo that says: "Lather, rinse, and repeat."

How do you keep a blonde busy?
You put her in a round room and tell her to go sit in the corner."

Why do blondes always have such big hair?
So they can catch things that are over their heads.

Santa Claus, the Tooth Fairy, a dumb blonde, and a smart blonde are walking down the street when they spot a $100 bill. Who picks it up?
The dumb blonde! Because, there is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.

Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
"Oh look! Donut seeds!"

Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
The vegetable garden.

A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

How do you change a blonde's mind?
Blow in her ear.

How do you make a blonde laugh on Friday?
Tell her a joke on Monday.

What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
Trying to hold on to a thought.

How do you plant dope?
Bury a blonde.

How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
Shine a flashlight in her ears.

How does a blonde give a high-5?
She smacks herself in the forehead.

How do you confuse a blonde?
You don't. They're born that way.

How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
She fell out of the tree.

How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
There's white-out on the screen.

What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
They're both empty from the neck up.

Why did the blonde cross the road?
Don't know? Neither did she.

Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.

What are 3 Blonde inventions that never got to popular?
One was a water proof sponge, a Solar Powered Flashlight, and a submarine with a screen door.

How do you sink a submarine full of blondes?
Knock on the door.

Why did the blonde tip toe past the medicine cabinet?
So she wouldn't wake up the Sleeping Pills.