SIGNS YOUR CAT IS TOO FAT

* Cat door retro-fitted with garage door opener.

* Confused guests constantly mistaking her for beanbag chair.

* Always lands on her spleen.

* Fewer calls to the fire department, but a sudden upsurge in broken branches.

* Fifteen month gestation period, and still no kittens.

* No longer cleans itself unless coated in Cheese Whiz.

* Catfood dish replaced with Rush Limbaugh trough.

* Luxurious, shiny black fur replaced with mint green polyester pants suit.

* It's no longer safe to lift him without a spotter.

* "Steals breath" from all five quintuplets, simultaneously.

* Waits for the third bowl of food to get finicky.

* He only catches mice that get trapped in his gravitational pull.

* Enormous gut keeps your hardwood floors freshly buffed.

* Has more chins than lives.