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A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala charity event was taking place. Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution. "Great idea!" the chicken cried. "Let's offer them ham and eggs?" "Not so fast," said the pig testily. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment." A cat was running wildly down alleys, up fire escapes, down cellars and what-not. A neighbor knew whose cat it was and reported it. "Your cat is running around like mad." "I know," answered the owner. "He's just been sterilized and he is canceling engagements." An ant and an elephant share a night of romance. The next morning the ant wakes up and the elephant is dead. "Shit!" says the ant. "One night of passion and I will spend the rest of my life digging a grave!" A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... They must be Gods! A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I must be a God! A lady opened her refrigerator and saw a rabbit sitting on one of the shelves. "What are you doing in there?" she asked. The rabbit replied: "This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?" to which the lady replied, "Yes." "Well," the rabbit said, "I'm westing." Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves. The wolves chased the rabbits into a thicket. After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, "Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and out number them?" There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch. "Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked. The old man replied, "Nope." So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!" The old man replied, "Ain't my dog." A donkey had an IQ of 186. He had no friends at all though. Even in the animal kingdom, nobody likes a smart-ass. Why did the Chicken cross
the road? How do you tell the difference
between a cow and a bull? What does it mean when
the Easter Bunny arrives one day late with melted candy? How does a rabbit make
gold soup? What do you get when you
pour boiling hot water down a rabbit hole? Why did God make only one
Yogi Bear? What's the best way to
make a bull sweat? Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor Did you hear about the
Veterinarian and the Taxidermist who combined their
business? What happens when a bomb
goes off in the middle of a herd of cows? What do you get when you
cross a python with a porcupine? What goes peck, peck, peck,
boom? What goes, "99-thump,
99-thump, 99-thump"? What disease can you get
from kissing birds? Why does a tiger have stripes? What do you call a cat
who does tricks? What kind of work does
a weak cat do? Why did the mother cat
put stamps on her kittens? Which state has a lot of
dogs and cats? Why should you walk carefully
when it's raining cats and dogs? Which game did the cat
want to play with the mouse? What do English cats drink
in the afternoon? Where did the kittens go
on their class trip? How do you call a barber
cat? What did the man say when
the steamroller ran over his cat? What did the doe say as
she came running out of the brush? Why don't bunnies make
noise when they make love? What do you call a herd
of masturbating cattle? What do you get when you
cross an Owl and a Rooster? What do you call a cow
with and abortion? What do you get when you
put an experimental monkey in a blender? If there is H2O on the
inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside? What is brown and sits
in the forest? What do you get when you
cross a pit bull with a collie? What do you call three
rabbits in a row, hopping backwards simultaneously? What does an elephant use
for a Tampon? How many canaries can you
get under a Scotsman's kilt? A fly sees a cute little female fly land on a pile of shit. He buzzes down and says, "Excuse me, miss, is this stool taken?" How do you know if elephants
have been making love in your back yard? What do you get when you
cross a donkey with an onion? What did the fish say when
he hit a concrete wall? What do you get from a
pampered cow? Where do you get virgin
wool from? Did you hear about the
nearsighted skunk? Why do mice have small
balls? What sound does a Horny
Toad make? What do you call a dog
with metal balls and no hind legs? Why can't Miss Piggy count
to 70? How do you catch a polar
bear? Why do hens lay eggs? Why do seagulls live near
the sea? Why do cows wear bells?
Why did the monkey fall
out of the tree? Why did the second monkey
fall out of the tree? Why did the third monkey
fall out of the tree? Where do you find a no
legged dog? Did you hear about the
little Chihuahua that swallowed a Viagra pill? What's the last thing to
go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield? Why are frogs so happy?
What happens when two frogs
collide? How does a frog feel when
he has a broken leg? Why did the frog read Sherlock
Holmes? What happened to the frog's
car when his parking meter expired? What did the frog order
at McDonald's? What is the thirstiest
frog in the world? What do stylish frogs wear?
What does a bankrupt frog
say? What do you call little
bugs that live on the moon? Why don't chickens wear
underwear? Why don't blind people
skydive? What has four legs and
an arm? What did the lesbian frog
say to the other lesbian frog? What do you call a gay
dinosaur? What do Tupperware and
a walrus have in common? What do you call two skunks
doing "69"? How many animals can fit
in a pair of pantyhose? A country dog comes to the city and seeing his first parking meter thinks, "How do you like that...PAY TOILETS!" Two ROBINS were lying on their backs, BASKING in the sun. A mama cat and her kitten were walking by. The kitten complained, "Mama, I'm sooo hungry, what can we eat?" To which the mama cat, spying the two robins, replied, "How about some Baskin Robbins?" A leopard went to see an optometrist because he thought he needed an eye exam. "Every time I look at my wife," he worriedly told the optometrist, "I see spots before my eyes." "So what's to worry about?" replied the doctor. "You're a leopard, aren't you?" "What's that got to do with anything?" replied the patient. "My wife is a zebra." During an auction of exotic pets, a woman who had placed a winning bid told the auctioneer, "I'm paying a fortune for that parrot. I hope he talks as well as you say he does." "I guarantee it, madam," replied the auctioneer. "Who do you think was bidding against you?" Consider the case of the hen that observed the undisciplined behavior of her youngest chick with obvious disapproval. "If your father could see you now," she cackled disgustedly, "He'd turn over in his gravy." Two eagles are soaring along when suddenly a passenger jet screams past them. One eagle says to the other, "Wow, did you see how fast that thing was moving?" The other replies, "Yeah. You'd move fast too if you had three assholes and they were all on fire!" A man was out walking a dog, and a woman stopped to admire the animal. "What's your dog's name?" she asked. "Herpes," replied the dog's owner. "How....odd," said the woman. "Why Herpes?" "Because he won't heel." In the Bronx, N.Y., lived a rich cat who was a bit of a snob, though she did deign to chat on occasion with her neighbor, an alley cat. One day, she announced that she was about to have an operation, but she didn't mention what it was for. Two weeks later, her humble friend saw her again and inquired politely how she was feeling, then dared to ask what kind of operation she had had. "Oh, I am quite well now, thank you," the rich cat replied, stiffly. "I had a hysterectomy." "For heaven's sake!" the alley cat exclaimed in exasperation, . . ."Why can't you call a spayed a spayed." A baby seal waddles into a pub and the landlord asks, "What'll you have?" and the seal says, "Whisky." And the landlord says, "What sort?" And the seal says, "Anything but Canadian Club!" A couple goes to a masquerade party dressed as a cow. He's in front, she's in back. The party gets a little boring, so they decide to stay in their costume and go for a little walk. As they're going across a pasture, they hear, "Snort! Snort!" The wife says, "Bobby! There's a bull over there, and I think he's gonna charge! What are we gonna do?" The husband says, "Well, I'm gonna eat some grass -- you'd better brace yourself." A little old lady walks into a taxidermist shop carrying the dead bodies of her pet male and female monkeys. She explains that they were her favorite pets and she misses seeing them around the house. "Would you like to have them mounted?" asks the taxidermist. "Oh, no," she replies, "standing side by side will be just fine." A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog. A passerby who'd seen everything remarked: "That's very tolerant of you after what he just did." "Not really," came the reply. "I'm just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick him in the nuts." There was once a woman who owned a dog that she named Titswiggle. One day when she came home from work she discovered that her beloved dog had run away. She was out all night asking if anyone had seen a loose dog. Nobody had seen him that night, but the next morning she met a little boy who said that he had seen a stray dog. The dog he described matched hers exactly. Upon finding out this information she asked the young boy, "Have you seen my Titswiggle?" The boy said, "No, but can that be my reward?" It's the spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave. His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes. His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?" He says, "Hibernate? Shit! I thought you said masturbate!" "Old Jethro's next door is a-makin' moonshine again," the wife told her husband. "How can you tell?" he asked. "Did you smell it?" "Nope. But a bunch of mice from his place came over here this morning and beat the tarnation outta our cats." After hearing a shot, Hank ran next door and found his friend Tony crying. "Say, what's wrong?" Hank asked. Tony sobbed, "I had to shoot my dog." Hank said, "My God! Was he mad?" Tony replied, "Well, he wasn't exactly overjoyed."
 
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